Spreadsheets, money, and decisions...

My husband is an excel junkie.  If there's something to track in columns and rows, he does.  He has spreadsheets that track his workouts, his weight (he's trying to slim down before we conceive too!), and also, our finances (if only I would let him track my blood sugar!).  Now that we're seriously thinking about having a child, we wanted to make sure we could afford it while still living in NYC, and so he checked his trusty spreadsheet...

And, it turns out, we are in fairly good shape to afford everything that we'll need to have a baby!

But, this brought up an interesting issue for me... staying at home vs. going back to work after having our baby.  When figuring out our finances, we realized that it really won't make much of difference financially whether I go back to work or not since almost my whole paycheck would go to paying for childcare (NYC nannies are expensive!).  So, the choice is really completely up to me.  I know this is a divisive debate, but I can't decide which side I'm on.

On the one side, I love working. While I am often stressed by my job, I thrive on the adrenaline.  I enjoy going to work (most days!), problem solving, navigating the political minefields that exist in the corporate world, and working collaboratively with my colleagues.  And, because I'm not exactly domestically gifted, the thought of failing at home when I could be succeeding at work terrifies me.

But, when I think about putting my 3 month old in day care, or leaving the baby with a nanny every day, it just seems so hard.  I can't help but wonder if it would somehow harm the baby developmentally, and would leave me someday regretting my decision.  I know I would feel inferior somehow for not working, but maybe I just can't fathom at this point in my life how rewarding being a full-time mom would be (although even as I type this and try to imagine it, I just can't get there).

Luckily I have some time to think about it, but at this point, I have no idea what I'll decide!