Lucy's Birth Story

Two months later, I’m finally ready to put Lucy’s birth story in writing.  Given all that we had going on in our lives going into the birth, it was such a relief that the moment we had been waiting for had finally arrived.  Actually, it turned out to be the 36 hours that we had been waiting for had finally arrived, but that doesn’t have the same poetic ring to it!  That’s right, ladies and gents, Lucy took her time in getting here, but she was so perfect when she arrived, that it was well worth the wait.

I woke up very early the morning of Friday, March 11^th with what felt like dull cramps that came and went from time to time.  I laid in bed for about two hours, wondering if I was in the beginning stages of labor.  When my husband woke up, I told him I thought my labor was starting, and we spent a while trying to decide whether he should go to work or not.  We had done our homework, and knew that labor, especially a woman’s first labor, can take a long time, and since I wasn’t even sure if I was in labor, I didn’t want him hanging around all day if it was just a false alarm.

I tried my best to rest throughout the day, but as the moments of wonder turned to hours of increasingly more pain, I felt that this was the day I was finally going to have my child in my arms (good thing I didn’t know at the time that I wouldn’t hold her until the next night). 

Now, being the middle of March, March Madness was gearing up, and as it turned out, my alma mater was playing in a game that night that would decide whether or not they would make it into the tournament.  I was supposed to watch the game that night with a bunch of my college friends, so I emailed them mid-day saying I wasn’t sure if I was in labor or not, but that I was still planning on going to the game.  As the game time neared, I was fairly certain that I was in labor, but I had been inside all day and wanted to do something that would help to pass the time, so off I went to the bar—at 9 months pregnant and definitely in labor!

When I got to the bar, I immediately realized this was the worst-idea-ever! I was huge, trying to navigate my way through a crowded bar, and to top it off, the labor pains began to get more intense and closer together.  About 15 minutes after walking into the bar and before my friends even made it, my husband (who had met me at the bar after work) and I went home.

We were timing my contractions, which came really close together, but didn’t last that long.  They were increasing in intensity, and we knew we were approaching the time when we would leave for the hospital.  We called the doctor and they said to try to wait it out at home as long as could, and about two hours later, at 9pm, we started to make our way to the hospital.  My water never broke, and I wasn’t screaming in pain or yelling at my husband like you see in the movies.  I was in pain, but trying my best to breath through it until we arrived at the hospital.

When we got there, they checked us in and a doctor came to check to see how much I was dilated.  When she checked, I was 3cm and definitely having strong contractions.  They admitted me onto the labor and delivery floor and the pain continued to get worse and worse.  I opted to have an epidural around 2am.  For those of you questioning epidurals, IT WAS THE BEST THING EVER!  Soon after they were done, the nurse told me I having a really strong contraction and I couldn’t feel a thing.  I had heard a lot of horror stories about getting the epidural but it really wasn’t bad at all, and I am glad I got one since my labor went on all through the night and into the next evening.  Perhaps the epidural slowed things down, but I am still glad I had one. 

My labor was progressing on its own, just very slowly.  Each time they checked me I was dilated a bit more, but things were taking forever.  Finally, and seemingly out of no where, around 4pm, they told me it was time to push!  I couldn’t believe it.  They had been telling me now for almost 18 hours that it wasn’t time yet, so I just assumed it still wasn’t time.  I remember this moment being sort of anticlimactic.  Again, it was nothing like the movies!  No screaming, no yelling (thank you epidural!).

And so, I pushed.  And pushed.  And pushed.  For about an hour, I pushed, the whole time, just trying to get the baby to turn because at that point they could tell that she wasn’t positioned correctly for a vaginal delivery.  By this time, I was nauseous and throwing up, my epidural was wearing off, I was in a lot of pain, and I was exhausted!  The doctor told me that because the baby wasn’t turning, they felt they should do a c-section.  I had really wanted to avoid having a c-section, but at this point, after almost 18 hours of active labor, I was ready to meet my baby!

I should say that during labor my blood sugar was handled really well.  I had initially wanted to try to keep my pump on, which I did, but as my numbers rose due to my adrenaline pumping, I couldn’t control my numbers myself and the doctors put me on an insulin drip.  Looking back, I wish I would have let them do this from the beginning.  They managed it really well and I didn’t have to worry about it.

Getting ready for the c-section was a whirlwind.  By now I was in severe pain since my epidural had worn off, and thank god they came to numb me up for the c-section.  They wheeled me into the operating room (OR) and got started.  I don’t remember hearing the doctors at all during the procedure (some people talk about hearing, “scalpal!”), but I do remember feeling a lot of pressure.  I repeat, A LOT of pressure.  It felt like they were rummaging around inside me and trying to get something out that seemed like it was really wedged in there!  I found out later that they had to tug so hard because the cord was wrapped around the baby’s stomach so she was difficult to get out (which was also why they couldn’t turn her before). 

Finally, after what seemed like ages, I remember hearing what sounded like cheers from the nurses, and a few seconds later, hearing a cry.  I remember asking, “what is it?!?!?!” since we hadn’t found out if the baby was a boy or girl. Not realizing we hadn’t found out the gender, one of the doctors sarcastically said, “It’s a boy,” but then the nurses chimed in, “NO!  It’s a girl!!!!”  I was shocked because during my pregnancy, everyone had been convinced I was having a boy.  I remember asking several times, “It’s a girl?!?” And, I must say, I was surprised by how thrilled and satisfied I was that I now had a daughter. 

Now, you would think that after all that, the hard part was behind me.  But may labor was nothing compared to the almost 4 brutal hours I had to wait from the time my baby was delivered until the time I finally got to see and hold her. The doctors held her up for me very quickly after she was delivered (I’m talking seconds), but then because of her heart issues, they quickly took her to a transitional nursery.  For what seemed like hours, but was really only about 10-20 minutes, my husband and I kept asking if she was OK.  And, no one knew.  The not knowing was agonizing, and immensely worse than any of the pains of childbirth.

Finally, they said my husband could go to see Lucy while they finished closing me up.  During this time, I had never felt more alone or scared in my life.  Less importantly, but still memorably, I also was FREEZING and so thirsty that I almost couldn’t breath.  I was told a lot of people get extremely cold and shaky in the OR as I was, but they weren’t sure why I was so thirsty.  I had to beg them to bring in some water or ice chips or something because I really felt like I was choking (apparently they aren’t supposed to bring water into the OR).  They finally brought in some gauze that was dipped in water for me to suck on which sounds gross, but was heavenly, and although my thirst was quenched, I still ached to know how my daughter was doing.

They began to wheel me back to recovery room, and I saw my husband in the hallway, grinning.  He had been with Lucy in the nursery and told me that they were still monitoring her, but she seemed to be doing really well!! Her heart seemed to be OK and she didn't have any blood sugar issues, which can be common in children of Type I moms.  I was so relieved, but still wanted to see her myself.  Because of the c-section and the anesthesia, I wasn’t able to get up or walk to go see Lucy, so I had to wait.  And wait.  And wait.  The nurse kept saying they would bring her to me, but they never did, so thankfully, my nurse finally took the bull by the horns and wheeled me in to the nursery.

And then the world stopped, and I got to hold my daughter.  My perfect little Lucy Jane!

Will finish the rest of the hospital stay on my next post! 

The C-Word

 Written on Feb 23rd...

Cancer.  It’s a scary word, especially when you’re being told you have it at almost 38 weeks pregnant.  That word has been echoing through my head for about 24 hours now, and the fear it instills hasn’t quite lost its bite yet.  Granted, it’s only skin cancer, and is easily treatable, but I wasn’t at all prepared to hear that word so soon in my life.

This all started back in January when I went to my dermatologist for my 6-month mole check up.  I’m very fair skinned, so I am always having spots removed, but none have been cancerous before.  There was one spot that was worrying me, and I pointed it out to my doc at the beginning of my appointment.  She said she wanted to look at it again in a few weeks, and in the meantime we checked with my OBGYN to make sure it would be OK to remove it if that was necessary.  We got the go, and when my dermatologist looked at the spot again, she decided to remove it.  That was last week.  I went on my way, forgetting about it really with everything else we have going on, and didn’t think about it much.

Then yesterday, I received a call from my dermatologist who told me that I have a malignant melanoma. I was shocked.  I gasped to swallow the sobs that were building up and I tried to process what she was telling me.  The bad news is that melanoma is the “bad” skin cancer that spreads rapidly, but the good news, or I should say the GREAT news, is that I get checked every 6 months, so mine was caught early enough that it hasn’t spread yet, and it will be easily taken care of with a minor procedure.

I just can’t help but think what would have happened if I skipped that appointment like I wanted to.  In the short 6 months since my last appointment, this cancer grew fairly quickly, so I can’t imagine if I had waited to go back until the next 6 month cycle.  Would I have been diagnosed with a later stage cancer and told I only had a year or so to live with my brand new baby and husband?  I just can’t comprehend that scenario, and I’m now a little paranoid that there could be other spots on me that we’ve missed.  It also feels strange to be walking around knowing there is cancer in my body.  I just want them to cut it out as soon as possible, which hopefully they’ll be doing next week.

Luckily, this won’t impact the baby at all.  The only real concern right now is that if I go into labor right after they do the surgery, I could rip out my stitches, but that’s not the end of the world.  So, for now, we’re just hoping the baby stays put long enough to get this taken care of before he or she arrives.  I’m probably the only woman who is 37.5 weeks pregnant and hoping the baby stays put!

I sincerely hope this is the last bit of excitement we have until the baby gets here.  I know things could be worse, but I’ve had enough of dealing with medical surprises for now—no matter how serious.

Update: I had the surgery to remove the spot this past Friday and still no baby so I’m so glad this is behind me!  Stitches will come out on Thursday (depending on when baby comes since I'm due THIS Sunday!!).  Now, I’m officially just sitting here waiting for Baby B to arrive!  Will update on the pregnancy soon, but overall, besides this little blip, I’m feeling wonderful.

home stretch!

Well, it’s been a few weeks since a real update on my pregnancy – I can’t believe how fast the time is going. Since the past few weeks have been hectic with my dad’s bypass surgery (a whole other topic, but he’s doing OK), a very hectic work schedule, my birthday, and being sick, I haven’ had much time to stop and update the blog.

So, here’s where we are. I just had my 36 week check up and all is looking just fine and dandy. I’m not showing any signs of delivering early, so my doc thinks she may have to induce me on March 15th, the latest they’ll let me go. But, she also said things can change between now and then and that I still could go naturally, which is what I’m hoping for. The nurse from my childbirth class said to do lots of squatting and walking to help get things going in the right direction, so I need to do more of that!

My blood sugar has been manageable. Very few lows and the high spikes are getting easier to anticipate and control. Of course, a lot of that is because I just take a ridiculous amount of insulin now, but whatever it takes is fine with me. I’m making my CDE crazy because I am not really logging very much. I am still testing a ton, but things have just been way too hectic to log everything, so she’s getting frustrated with me, but only because she can’t help me very much if she has nothing to go on. Luckily, my numbers are pretty good, so she’s not too concerned.

My blood pressure and weight continue to be really good, so I don’t think I’ll have to deal at all with preeclampsia like I worried I might a few months back. I am extremely relieved about this. I’ve actually only gained about 12 pounds total so far, but a lot of that is because I was so sick in the beginning and since I was somewhat overweight to begin with, they didn’t want/need me to gain a lot. It’s all right in my belly too, so I’m definitely looking the part of very pregnant woman!

My only real complaint these days is fairly strong pain when I walk, which I’m told is round ligament pain. I took a little spill in my office last week, and my doctor thinks I aggravated the ligaments which is making walking pretty painful. She suggested I get a maternity belt, so I’ll add one more hideous pregnancy accessory to the wardrobe for the next few weeks, but hopefully it will help. If that’s the only thing wrong at this point, I’ll take it!

I’m still sleeping well and hope that continues! Can’t believe we’re in the home stretch now!

Sweet Child of Mine,

I can’t believe how close we’re getting to your arrival (only 5.5 more weeks)! Your dad and I are so excited to meet you, we can hardly stand it. We’re getting our apartment ready for you – we have so many friends and family who can’t wait to welcome you to the world who have all helped us to get everything we need for your first few months in the world. You have a crib, a changing table, a stroller, toys, books, activities and lots of clothes too, all just waiting for you. But, most importantly, you have so many people who love you already and who can’t wait to meet you. Know that you are lucky to have such a strong and loving community of people who are all eagerly awaiting your arrival, and never forget that these people are there for you not only now as you enter the world, but also as you grow and may need people besides just your parents to turn to.
While I would be lying if I didn’t say that there were times over the past eight months or so that were terrifying, we’ve also had so much fun with you as you’ve grown—from telling all our loved ones about you, to hearing your heartbeat for the first time, to feeling you move to trying to guess whether you’ll be a little girl or little boy.

There are times that your dad and I can hardly believe that we’re going to be your parents—that we’ll be responsible for making sure you grow up to be healthy and strong, happy, and well taken care of. It’s hard to fathom that we’ll be in charge of shaping your future, trying to balance who we want you to become with who you already are. Just know, sweet child of mine, that mostly we just want you to be you, because whoever you are, we already love you. You already have a personality, a tendency towards the exciting and dramatic. You burst into our lives so quickly, and have been keeping us on our toes ever since. I fully expect that to continue throughout your life, and we can’t wait to see what you have in store for us in the years to come.

I know the first few days and weeks of your life will be a little scary at times for both of us, but as I asked you to be when I first found out about you, I’m going to ask you again to be strong. I already know you’re a fighter, so I know you’ll be tough as our doctors work hard to make sure your heart is working after you’re born. Like Mommy, you’ll have to learn to be a good patient because you’ll be going to lots of doctors, but I hope you’ll see that they are there to help and to make sure you can grow up to be strong and playful. I hope you know that even if something is wrong with your little heart, the doctors know exactly how to fix it, and they’ll take such good care of you! And, your dad and I will be there every step of the way to so you’ll never go through any of this alone.

You’ve already been such a joy in my life. Even during the scary times, just rubbing my belly and knowing that you’re in there can bring me absolute peace. While we can’t wait to meet you, take your time in there and grow to be as strong as you can.  I can't wait to see your little face, and to hold your little hands!

With all my love,
Mommy

PS - Don’t worry if your dad and I are crying when you first see us, they will be the happiest tears of our lives. :)

General update - feeling good!

Well, last week was an eventful week with doctors, and this week will be too, but first I wanted to give an overall update on how I’m feeling at week 33! In short, I feel great. I’m not overly tired or sore or miserable in many of the ways I’ve heard other women can be at this point in their pregnancies. I am a bit uncomfortable at times as my belly gets bigger, and Baby B is starting to give me some good hard kicks that make me jump, but overall, I’m thankful that I’m feeling really good.

My appointments last week went like this—first the fetal cardiologist, then the CDE, then my OB. Here’s a quick summary of them all:

Fetal cardiologist:
Baby B’s heart looked about the same as it did last time. She said the bigger the baby gets, the harder it is actually to see on the echo cardiogram, so she didn’t get a great look, but felt confident that the valve in question isn’t any worse than it was two weeks ago. She said she’d be surprised if the baby needed to have the balloon procedure done in the hospital in the days after delivery and that it is more likely to be done in the months after delivery, if at all. I took this all as good news!

CDE:
My CDE took my A1C and also went over my eating and pump rates. My A1C was 6.0, which she was happy about because they’ve wanted me a little higher than I was before since I was going low a lot. I wasn’t thrilled with this (I was getting used to seeing those 5’s), but if they are happy, I guess I am too. I’m taking A LOT more insulin now than I was in the beginning of my pregnancy and while this is to be expected, my CDE suggested trying to eat less carb-heavy foods so I won’t require such mammoth doses of insulin—so, goodbye bagels and potatoes, don’t worry, I’ll be back soon!

OB:
Everything went great at the OB. I had an US and they checked all the usual suspects—the baby’s movement, position (head down still!), fluids, etc. Everything looked good and I was happy to have an uneventful appointment. Next time we’ll discuss the details of my delivery plans, but my OB did say that she has no problem with me leaving my pump on during delivery, which I was very happy about.

So, all in all, everything is going well, despite the baby’s little heart issue. In terms of the bigger heart issue (my dad’s heart), we found out last week that he will need bypass surgery, which sounded very scary at first, but is actually pretty routine. I’m just hoping they can do it soon so I can be there. If they do it too late, I won’t be able to travel to Philly to be there, so we’ll just have to see.

Tomorrow we’re off to the children’s hospital where I’ll deliver to meet with the folks in the cath lab who would perform the balloon procedure if it becomes necessary and we’ll also meet with a genetic counselor. I’m still not really sure what the genetic counselor has to offer at this point, but I go where I’m told these days. They’ll also take us by the NICU just so we can see it in case Baby B ends up there for whatever reason. Finally, I’ll have my weekly US so they can peek in on the baby to make sure all is OK in there.

While this all seems like a lot and maybe overkill, I’m so thankful that I’m part of a medical team and system that is so prepared and willing to spend a lot of time with us in preparation of all the what ifs.

So, hopefully I’ll keep feeling well, and we’ll sail on through this week without any major issues popping up!

Living Large

I had my 30 week (ahh!) check up and a growth scan today. We were so excited to see Baby B. because it’s been a while! The ultrasound itself was sort of disappointing. Since it was a growth scan, they zoom in on specific body parts (head, abdomen, leg bones, etc.), so you can’t really see the whole baby which was what we were hoping to see. The tech seemed to be in a big rush and also got the gel stuff all over me, so we weren’t a fan of hers. Then, to top it off, the sonogram she printed out was almost totally black because the printer settings weren’t right. I should have asked for another one, but I was busy trying to clean myself up.

During the scan, she said that the baby was measuring a little big. This was my biggest fear. Apparently the baby is measuring in the 73rd percentile, which my doctor said was nothing to be concerned about now (they start to worry if we get into the 90th percentile range), but it is trending on the high/average side as opposed to just the average/average side and since I've been battling some highs (more on that later), I wasn't happy to hear it. Since I haven’t gained much weight, and my A1C’s have been low, I was disappointed by this, but my doc said that often in Type 1’s they worry about the baby being too small because of damage to the mother’s blood vessels from long term diabetes. Apparently, however, this is not a problem for me—my blood vessels seem to be doing what they’re supposed to be doing. I actually hadn’t heard that before and was left wondering how that tidbit of information had escaped me until now.

During the scan, the baby's head was down—when my husband heard this he got nervous because he thought that meant the baby was in a "ready, set, go!" position, but that is not the case. Hopefully, however, Baby B. will stay head down until delivery. No wonder I’ve been feeling kicks up by my ribs!

Also, my blood pressure was great today, which I was really excited about since I’ve been worried since my last appointment about developing preeclampsia. Phew!

My doc also said we need to start thinking about pediatricians. Luckily, there is an office right in her same building, which we love, so we’re going to start there.

I have my second fetal echo cardiogram scheduled for later this week, and then back to the OB two weeks from today. After that, they want me in once a week at least for an ultrasound to make sure the baby is doing OK. While I know it will be a lot, it will also be reassuring to be able to peek in on the baby that often :)

I hope everyone had a great New Years – I know we can’t wait to see what 2011 brings!

Preoccupied with Preeclampsia

I went to the OB last week and while everything seems to be progressing OK with Baby B, they did find small amounts of protein in my urine after my 24 urine test (even though when I called the office right after the test the woman on the phone had said everything was fine - arg). My blood pressure was also a little bit higher than it normally is for me and although it’s still in a healthy range because I’ve always had low blood pressure, I was alarmed to see it go up. I’ve heard about Preeclampsia from Kerri, and am concerned what these clues might mean further down the road in the pregnancy. Things have been going SO well, and I’m feeling great, so I’m hoping to keep going like this until as close to the end as possible.

I think more than anything else, this news just reminded me that complications are possible and may even be likely because of the diabetes. This pregnancy has been so uneventful for the past few months, that I think I’ve been lulled into forgetting how complicated things can get. Luckily, as I near my third trimester this coming weekend, we don’t have much longer to go. This weekend we go to Florida for a wedding and then the next week we head to California for a week to see my in-laws. Then, my shower will be in early January and then we really hit the home stretch. I am praying everyday that Baby B is safe in there, and that we’ll both get through the next few months with relative ease.

I’m still battling my blood sugars everyday, which continue to creep up little by little, but with the help of my CDE, we’ve been able to keep them in check pretty well. It seems so crazy that in three short months, this whole pregnancy experience will be a thing of the past!

On an A1C high (not a high A1C)!

I can’t believe it’s been so long since my last post. Things have been busy and only seem to get busier with work, the holidays, and other things that keep popping up! Life has been fun with all of the baby excitement, and I’ve been feeling great.

I went to the endo today and was THRILLED that my A1C is 5.7. Since my numbers have been slowly creeping up, I was worried that my A1C might be above 6, so I was really excited to still be in the 5’s. I was particularly happy about this because I haven’t had a lot of lows, so this means I have a much steadier 5.7 now than I did several months ago. I still put a lot of emphasis on this one little number, and I wish I didn’t, but it makes me so happy to know that Baby B isn’t going to be affected too much by my diabetes.

My endo also said something interesting—that after I give birth, he will want my A1C to be in the 7-7.5 range for the first three months after giving birth. This struck me as odd and I think my mouth almost hit the ground when he said it. He explained that because I plan to breast feed, that can cause a lot of lows, and since I’ll be caring for an infant, he’d rather I be a little higher for a few months than risk another scary low like I had before. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but we’ll see when the time comes.

The last interesting thing that my endo told me about was a study that my very own Naomi Berrie Diabetes Center is participating in called Type 1 Diabetes TrialNet, which is an international network of researchers who are exploring ways to prevent, delay and reverse the progression of type 1 diabetes. Once Baby B turns 1, they’ll check the baby for some kind of antibody to calculate the baby’s risk for developing Type 1. Depending on the risk level, they may have the baby take part in certain preventative treatments. It’s very cool and makes me feel good to know that my child will be able to help scientists learn more about this disease.

In other news, I did my 24 hour urine test, and while it has hugely annoying, wasn’t too big of a deal. Everything seemed fine based on that. Next up is an appointment with my OB, and hopefully another ultrasound soon, it seems like it’s been a while since the last one, and I love those so much!

Fetal echo cardiogram and 22 week checkup

I recently had my first of two fetal echo cardiograms, and also my 22 week checkup (I think most people do this at 20 weeks, but mine just happened to be on 22). The fetal echo cardiogram was a one hour peek at Baby B’s heart via ultrasound to make sure the blood is pumping and everything is functioning correctly. The results are in, and everything looked great, at least as far as they could tell since Baby B again wasn’t very cooperative in being in the right position for a great look (noticing a pattern?). It was a very peaceful test as I got to sit in a dark room with soothing music while the cardiologist looked at the heart on her own monitor. They didn’t have a screen for me to see, so it was an hour of pure relaxation.

I couldn’t get over, however, that the cardiologist (who I assume is pretty smart and well trained), asked me if I take insulin after I told her I have type 1. In disbelief I said yes, and then she asked me if I had been taking insulin before I got pregnant. I couldn’t understand how this medical professional, a cardiologist, no less, didn’t get that as a type 1 diabetic, I need insulin. Those kinds of questions irk me to no end! But, other than that, she was nice and gave me a good report, so besides her obvious ignorance about diabetes, the test went well overall.

I also had my 22 week checkup. They baby’s heart was beating at 155 beats per minute and everything seems like it’s progressing as it should. My weight gain is now right on target since the last checkup, but my OB told me that I should now try to gain ½ a pound a week, which is making me nervous. I’m concerned that I’m going to gain a lot more than that, and I haven’t been doing much to stop that from happening now that I can eat again. So, I really need to start eating better to make sure my weight gain doesn’t accelerate too quickly.

In other news, I sadly need to do a 24 hour urine test, which is basically collecting urine over a 24 hour period of time to make sure the pregnancy isn’t putting too much stress on my kidneys. I was hoping to avoid this one, but no such luck. I am so NOT looking forward to that one, but luckily you can do it on a Sunday. So, I guess two Sundays from now when I do the test I’ll be stuck in the apartment! I am certainly not going out lugging my “collection vessel” around.

Overall, my blood sugar is still trending a little higher than I like, but nothing to be upset about. I’m still increasing my basals to keep up with the higher numbers. I’m feeling great, otherwise, and am enjoying the second trimester.

Also on my list for the next few weeks is registering for gifts. There is so much out there, I hardly know where to begin, so if any of your moms have suggestions, let me know!

Officially over the hump!

I'm 21 weeks as of yesterday, which officially means I'm more than half way through this pregnancy.  In some ways, it feels like its been eons since I first saw the word "pregnant" pop up on my digital home pregnancy test, and in other ways, I feel like it just happened this morning.  Although I've been through a lot already during this pregnancy, I still feel that hasn't been as intensive as I thought it would be (yet!). 

Although changes have definitely been taking place in and on my body, I still sometimes don't feel pregnant.  It's hard to explain, but I still feel like me, and sometimes I do forget that I'm growing another human being inside of me. I have, however, become much more relaxed about life in general since getting pregnant, which is the complete opposite of what I thought would happen.  But, nothing in the world seems that important right now, other than my health and the health of my child.

This week I started to put on my very first few pregnancy pounds.  It's taken me a while to put on weight since I lost weight from being so sick the first trimester, but I'm afraid they're going to pile on quickly, so I need to be careful and focus on eating better now that my stomach is (mostly) cooperating again.  I must admit, it's a bit unnerving to look at the scale going up and to think that's a good thing when I've fought my weight for most of my teenage/adult life, but I know that's what is supposed to happen.

I'm still waiting for Baby B to give me a good swift kick, but I do think I am starting to feel the baby rummage around in there.  Sometimes my stomach gets hard, which I've been told are Braxton Hicks contractions, and it's incredible to think that my body is reacting to the other person I'm carrying.  We know that Baby B can hear us now, and I laugh hysterically every time my husband talks to the baby, because he's convinced he needs to scream in order to get through my stomach and into the baby's ears.

In terms of diabetes, my numbers have calmed down a bit since I raised my basals last week.  I'm still seeing some more highs than I like, but it's much better than it was.  I'm already getting nervous for my next A1C in December, but I'm doing the best I can.

On the pregnancy itinerary for this week is a fetal echo cardiogram where they'll get an up and close and personal view of Baby B's heart to make sure everything is in working order.  I'm just excited that it means we'll get to see the baby again!

And most importantly, today is my husband's birthday, so I'm very much looking forward to a great bday dinner with him - his last one as a non-parent!

On the rise

Well, I think my days of picture perfect log books are going out the window. My numbers have been creeping up slightly over the past two weeks or so, but the past two days I feel like I’ve seen more 200’s than I have in the past four months combined. This is very difficult to see, and although I get them down right away, they seem to go right back up. It feels like I’m playing that carnival game where the little mole pops up, then you hit it with the hammer, and another one pops up.

I sent my logs to my diabetes educator today and she’s out of the office, but I’ve raised my basals over the weekend until I can talk to her on Monday. I hate the highs more than anything. I’d much rather be low, which I know is also not good for me, but I feel like it’s better for the baby. Hopefully I can find a happy medium, because this dazed feeling I’ve had yesterday and today is not going to cut it. I hate being high for what it does to me, but it terrifies me to think what effect it’s having on the baby. I know it’s my overall control that matters most, and not the bad day here or there, but it’s just scary to think that what’s going on in my body influences the overall health of my child.

Ok, mini panic attack over. I’ve done what I can to correct it for now, and will keep working on it in the coming weeks. I really enjoyed the calm while it lasted!

Sick as a dog, happy as a clam

The past two days have brought on major "morning" sickness – I’ve only been able to keep about a third of my meals down, and I feel queasy all day and night. Last week, I was feeling nauseous as well, although not really getting sick to my stomach, so it seems that things are moving forward. If I weren’t so thrilled that I’m showing some signs of a healthy pregnancy, I’d be miserable!

The first time I got sick I went to tell my husband, and I couldn’t help but break out in a huge smile. It was a bizarre reaction, I know, but right now I’m clinging to any sign that Baby B. is ok in there. It’s been an excruciatingly long wait since my last ultrasound, but now I only have to get through one more full day before I hopefully get some good news on Thursday.

So, for now, I’ll keep getting excited every time I’m sick, which by the looks of it, means I’ll have a lot of excitement in the next couple of days! :)

Thinking positive thoughts...

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who left such sweet notes of congratulations on my last post.  I  truly appreciate all of your kind works!

I've been avoiding writing since then because after our initial excitement, we got a little bit of scary, although not necessarily bad, news.  We went for the first ultrasound last week and all they saw was an empty gestational sac.  Since by my calculations I thought I was 6.5 weeks at the time, this was an upsetting image to see.  We thought by this time we might have had a shot at seeing the heartbeat.  The doctor explained that I could very likely just be earlier than I thought, which would explain why my HCG levels were also low when first tested, although there is a chance that the reason we only saw the gestation sac could be because the pregnancy may not be viable.  Luckily, my HCG number continues to rise, so that is a good sign!  But, the first time I explained what happened out loud to my dad, I couldn't help but cry.  It was hard to talk about it out loud to anyone, and that night when my husband got home from work, I melted into a puddle of helpless tears.

I will go back late next week for another ultrasound, so until then, all we can do it wait, and think positive thoughts.  My husband and I have such wonderful family and close friends who are all praying and thinking positively, so Baby B. has a lot of people pulling for him/her!

It's been an emotional roller coaster since the ultrasound.  At first, I was so teary and couldn't think about anything else.  We were so lucky to get pregnant so quickly, that I suppose a little waiting won't kill us--although I must say, I'm not sure I've ever felt such insatiable stress in my life.  I already love this baby so much, that it's devastating to imagine what it will mean if the pregnancy isn't viable. I hope and pray that I won't need to go down that path, and for now, I am just trying to take care of myself as best I can.

During this horrible wait, I must say that the online community has been such a valuable tool.  Sites like Diabetic Mommy, The Bump and Baby Center are all full of other women who are always willing to share their stories and advice.  I cling to every story I hear of women who have been through similar situations and turned out to have healthy pregnancies (I also value the non-success stories because they help me manage my expectations, even though they are difficult to read). It makes me feel very lucky to be going through this pregnancy at a time when there is so much information available almost instantaneously, and the women on these sites have helped me to have a much more positive outlook this week!

So fingers crossed, everyone, and I'll be sure to keep you updated!

Sweet Child of Mine

Sweet Child of Mine,

Even though your dad and I have been planning for you for what seems like a very long time, you still managed to surprise us with your quick arrival into our lives (I wonder what that says about your personality…)! Although you are still very delicate at 6 weeks and just beginning your journey, you are very much loved and are already such a huge part of our lives. I promise to do everything I can over the next eight months or so to take good care of you, and to give you the very best start in life that you could have. I know there will be times that will be tough, but I need you to be strong, and for us to work together until I can hold you in my arms.

You should know that I love you with every ounce of my body and that I am so excited to see who you are going to become. You should know that every time I mention you, your dad’s face lights up and he can’t help but grin from ear to ear. You should know that those who are closest to us can’t wait to meet you, and that you are already the apple of your grandparents’ eyes. And you should know that while your dad and I are sometimes scared and not sure that we’ll always know the best way to care for you, we’ll do everything in our power to make sure you are always safe and loved—the rest, we’ll figure out as we go!

So take your time, little one, and I hope you’re safe and comfy in there! While I know this is a fragile time for you, I have faith that you’ll be here before we know it. As I said, be strong, because we already love you so much and can’t wait to meet you!  I wish I could somehow communicate with you, but for now, my letters to you will have to do.

With all my love,
Mommy

Just a headache?

I had a really bad headache the other night, and I couldn’t figure out why. I kept testing my BS, convinced that I was either high or low since I had this unexplained pain in my head. Finally, after a few normal tests, I arrived at a simple explanation—it was just a headache. As a PWD (person with diabetes), I find myself constantly patrolling my own body for any sign of something being amiss with my blood sugar, and sometimes I forget that other forces besides diabetes can also impact how I’m feeling. It’s hard to turn that line thinking off, and I’ve started wondering about how this mindset will impact a pregnancy.

I’ve spent so much time thinking about and preparing for how my diabetes is going to impact my pregnancy, that I have forgotten to take the time to really consider how the pregnancy will impact me (yes, I am separate from my diabetes, although sometimes its hard to remember that). I didn’t think, for example, that I may be sick to my stomach, regardless of what my blood sugar is. I may get hot/uncomfortable at night without being high or low. I may be utterly exhausted, even if my numbers are and have been within a perfectly healthy range. I may have food cravings that are completely independent of a low blood sugar.

In some strange way, it’s exhilarating to think that my body will be communicating with me in a whole new way that is not necessarily driven by the fact that I have this thing called diabetes. I’m excited that I’ll have the opportunity to listen to my body and evaluate what is going on without my very first thought automatically turning to the numbers on my meter (although, who am I kidding, that will still often be at least in the top 2). It will be like finally, something in my body will be stronger than the diabetes, and while pregnancy won’t always produce the most welcome symptoms, it will be nice to know that diabetes doesn’t have absolute control all the time.

Here we go!

We’re back from Italy, and I will post some pics soon, but I’m getting extremely excited because now that I’ve been off BC for a few months (and have the skin to prove it), taking prenatals, and now that my husband has finally started work after just graduating from business school, we are ready to officially start TTC! I have another endo appointment on July 16th to get my A1C tested again, but with the tight control I’ve had over the last nine months or so, I’m confident that my body is up for the challenge. I’ve also cheated by taking one of the at home A1C tests, and it was right on target (those at home tests are such a wonderful diabetes innovation!).

I know it sounds extremely bratty, but with all the work that I’ve already done for this pregnancy, I feel like I deserve to get pregnant quickly (all I can hear is Veruca from Willy Wonka… I want the golden goose, and I want it now). I feel like I’ve earned it, and I honestly don’t know how well I’ll handle it if it takes a long time. On top of the emotional strain it would cause, I am also scared that I’m going get burnt out from the extremely tight control I’ve had over my numbers if I have to keep it up for a long time before I even get pregnant. Even though I’m not pregnant yet, it feels like I’ve already been living with this pregnancy for a long time.

I know its common even for “normal/healthy” couples to take up to a year to get pregnant, but I’m just praying that it won’t take that long. This is such an exciting time for us, and I can’t wait for this “pre-pregnancy phase” to be over with!

all work, no play

Last week I had the opportunity to hear Cheryl Alkon speak about her new book, Balancing Pregnancy with Pre-existing Diabetes. The event was organized by ACT1, a great organization here in NYC that supports adults with type 1. In so many ways, it was a wonderful, eye opening and reassuring event for me to attend. Not only did Cheryl share her story, but there were many other type 1 mommies in the room who were kind enough to share their experiences as well. I’ve never personally known a woman with type 1 who has been through pregnancy, so to hear all of them talk about their experiences was really empowering—after all, these were real live women who had lived thought it and been blessed with healthy children.

While I left the event feeling more convinced than ever that I am prepared and can handle this journey, I had asked a question, well, several questions, but one of the answers really stuck with me. I’ve done a lot of research on what my diabetic pregnancy will be like, and I’m aware of all the work that will go into it, but what I wanted to know was whether any of these women were able to remove themselves from all of the checking, the tests, the doctors appointments, and the meal planning long enough to ever just enjoy being pregnant. To enjoy thinking about the life that they were creating, and the adventure they were about to begin. So often you read about pregnancy being a magical time for women, and I wanted to know if diabetic mothers were ever able to take time to just enjoy the ride.

Cheryl thought for a moment after I asked my question, and basically said, a short and simple “not really.” The other women in the group agreed and shared that it was all just way too much work to really be able to enjoy it (although they all unanimously agreed that it was well worth it in the end!). Many of the women shared that during their pregnancies, they tested 12 times a day (which if you think about it is every two hours—more like every hour if you cut out some time for sleep). They talked about going to the myriad doctors appointments that were necessary and subjecting themselves to the many tests that are performed throughout the pregnancy to make sure mom and baby are both progressing as planned (my jaw dropped when they talked about the 24 hour urine test and schlepping a bucket of urine on the subway—I’ll be in a cab that day, thank you very much). One woman I spoke to after the event even said that if she could have, she would have quit her job during the pregnancy because it is like having two full time jobs.

I wasn’t necessarily surprised to hear all the stories about the difficulties and challenges of the pregnancy, but I was a bit surprised that there was such a unanimous response to my question. I hope that even if it’s only for a few minutes here and there, I can enjoy my pregnancy (so to my friends/family who are reading this, you may have to remind me to do so!).  I know I’m in for a lot of work, and I certainly know that it will all pay off, but I hope too that I can step back from all of it long enough, even if for only an hour in between tests, to enjoy the miracle that will be growing inside of me.

By the way, I haven’t read Cheryl’s book yet, but can’t wait to get through it. I’ve heard great things and some of the excerpts that she read last week were great!

Vegas, baby!

I got back last night from a fabulous trip to Vegas with some of my best friends, and it was such a great trip! We had a blast, and I was so glad to spend a memorable weekend with such good friends. Going into the weekend, I knew it that it would likely be my last girls weekend sans baby, and I wondered if it would make me think twice about our decision to start TTC soon.

But even in Vegas, I wanted so badly to be a mom. I still had a great time, and really cherished the time with my friends—I even had fun at a club and stayed out until 5am which I not like me—but I could feel at the very core of my being that I was ready to say goodbye to being free of responsibility. Free to take off to Vegas on a whim. Free to do exactly what I want, exactly how and when I want to do it.

Even though I know that weekends like this past one will be few and far between once I become pregnant, I still couldn’t be more excited to have a baby with my husband. I was so thankful for this trip, not only because I got to getaway with my friends on an unforgettable trip, but also because it confirmed everything that I was feeling about becoming a mom.

Now, Vegas, baby has a whole new meaning!

new endo, new attitude...

What a difference a day makes!  I went to the new endo today and loved the center and the doctor--I especially loved that according to their machine, my A1C was 6.0!!  They were very impressed with all my tracking, even though the numbers in my logs aren't always perfect, and said that if I keep it up, I can definitely have a healthy pregnancy soon!

They said I can go off of birth control, and that as long as my A1C is in the same range in three months, we can start TTC!  I still have some work to do on my numbers, especially my morning numbers, but it was nice to hear a doctor for once tell me that I am doing things right.

So, off to the pharmacy I go tonight to get my prenatal vitamin Rx filled!! As down as I was yesterday, I am walking in the clouds today.

New endo tomorrow...

Tomorrow I'm going to a new endo, at a diabetes center that is supposed to be wonderful.  Even though the high risk OB already gave us the green light to start TTC in a few months, I still feel like it's not for real until I hear it from this new doc.  Endo appointments fill me with fear and always have.  Even though my A1C is pretty damn good if I do say so myself (it was 6.3 yesterday!), I still don't feel like I am under good control.  As a diabetic, you can do 50 things a day that are "right" but still end up with bad numbers, and I'm stuck in this pattern of having great numbers for 90% of the day, but terrible numbers the other 10%.

For instance, I've been going really high overnight lately (even though the basal test I did says my basals are actually making me go lower--go figure!), so last night I gave myself a ridiculously large bolus for what I ate.  I then went low, scary low.  I fell asleep and woke up and felt so disoriented that I couldn't figure out who I was, where I was, or what was going on.  I was scared.  I finally realized what was going on, and that I needed to get something to eat asap.  So I did, but the rest of the night I had a horrendous headache, I think from being so low for who knows how long since I had fallen asleep.  I treated the low with a conservative amount of soda because I didn't want to end up high later on.  Unfortunately, it just made me hover around the 60's range and prolonged my headache.  So I finally gave in and drank another soda, and I eventually came up into a normal range, but still had a horrendous headache (I even asked my husband if he thought it was possible that I had brain damage from my low because my head hurt so much--in retrospect, that was a pretty absurd question!).  So I went to bed, thinking tomorrow would be better.  Until of course, I woke up at 6am with a reading of 365.  HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?  I was tired, feeling run down, and mostly just felt defeated.  

Maybe it's because of my night last night that I'm feeling so negative about going to the doctor tomorrow, but I just can't help but feel that I'm going to leave his office tomorrow upset about what he says.  It's too bad, because I've been working really hard on my numbers that past few months, but all I can think about are all the highs I still have, and how they could someday bring harm to my child.  I hope tomorrow gives me some encouragement, and that I can get a good night's sleep tonight!