3rd Trimester!

Now that I’m officially in my third trimester, I beginning to really look and feel pregnant. I’m walking around like the stereotypical pregnant woman with her back arched and stomach sticking out, rolling out of bed in the morning instead of sitting up first, and rubbing my belly all the time. I’ve also taken to talking to/singing to Baby B. all the time, and I love feeling the baby move more and more all the time. I sometimes have to pray that the baby won’t kick when I’m on a crowded subway car for fear of the person I’m pushed up against thinking it’s me doing the kicking/pushing.

While it’s all very fun and exciting, I am beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable as my bump gets bigger. I’ve started to feel really uncomfortable for a couple of days, and then I guess when my belly has stretched a bit, I go back to being comfortable. Speaking of stretching, I don’t yet have any real pronounced stretch marks, but I fear their arrival every day. I just don’t see how all this stretching won’t result in marks, but so far, I haven’t put on too much weight too quickly, so I think that is helping. I’m going to try to be really careful about my eating over the holidays, which will be hard, but I think ultimately will be worth it (both for weight gain and for blood sugar control).

My blood sugars are doing OK, not great. I’ve still been running higher than I like sometimes, and then I go overboard with the bolusing and end up low. I’m trying to find the happy medium, and again, better eating will help with this. I’m going through insulin much more quickly now that I’m taking more both for my basal rates and my insulin to carb ratio. I can only imagine how much I’ll be taking by the end of the pregnancy.

We have our next ultra scan scheduled for January 3rd and I really can’t wait for that. They’ll measure the baby’s growth, so I’m a little nervous to see how that goes, but I’m excited to see Baby B. again because it feels like it’s been forever since our last scan in October. The ultrasounds are by far my favorite pregnancy experience. I’m hoping that my higher numbers, even though my A1C is still fairly low, won’t result in the baby being bigger than it should be at this point.

We’re off to California later this week to visit with my in-laws and will be there for a week. I'm worried about the eating situation since we'll be bouncing around to and from various family members' holiday celebrations, but I'll just have to do the best I can.

Preoccupied with Preeclampsia

I went to the OB last week and while everything seems to be progressing OK with Baby B, they did find small amounts of protein in my urine after my 24 urine test (even though when I called the office right after the test the woman on the phone had said everything was fine - arg). My blood pressure was also a little bit higher than it normally is for me and although it’s still in a healthy range because I’ve always had low blood pressure, I was alarmed to see it go up. I’ve heard about Preeclampsia from Kerri, and am concerned what these clues might mean further down the road in the pregnancy. Things have been going SO well, and I’m feeling great, so I’m hoping to keep going like this until as close to the end as possible.

I think more than anything else, this news just reminded me that complications are possible and may even be likely because of the diabetes. This pregnancy has been so uneventful for the past few months, that I think I’ve been lulled into forgetting how complicated things can get. Luckily, as I near my third trimester this coming weekend, we don’t have much longer to go. This weekend we go to Florida for a wedding and then the next week we head to California for a week to see my in-laws. Then, my shower will be in early January and then we really hit the home stretch. I am praying everyday that Baby B is safe in there, and that we’ll both get through the next few months with relative ease.

I’m still battling my blood sugars everyday, which continue to creep up little by little, but with the help of my CDE, we’ve been able to keep them in check pretty well. It seems so crazy that in three short months, this whole pregnancy experience will be a thing of the past!

On an A1C high (not a high A1C)!

I can’t believe it’s been so long since my last post. Things have been busy and only seem to get busier with work, the holidays, and other things that keep popping up! Life has been fun with all of the baby excitement, and I’ve been feeling great.

I went to the endo today and was THRILLED that my A1C is 5.7. Since my numbers have been slowly creeping up, I was worried that my A1C might be above 6, so I was really excited to still be in the 5’s. I was particularly happy about this because I haven’t had a lot of lows, so this means I have a much steadier 5.7 now than I did several months ago. I still put a lot of emphasis on this one little number, and I wish I didn’t, but it makes me so happy to know that Baby B isn’t going to be affected too much by my diabetes.

My endo also said something interesting—that after I give birth, he will want my A1C to be in the 7-7.5 range for the first three months after giving birth. This struck me as odd and I think my mouth almost hit the ground when he said it. He explained that because I plan to breast feed, that can cause a lot of lows, and since I’ll be caring for an infant, he’d rather I be a little higher for a few months than risk another scary low like I had before. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but we’ll see when the time comes.

The last interesting thing that my endo told me about was a study that my very own Naomi Berrie Diabetes Center is participating in called Type 1 Diabetes TrialNet, which is an international network of researchers who are exploring ways to prevent, delay and reverse the progression of type 1 diabetes. Once Baby B turns 1, they’ll check the baby for some kind of antibody to calculate the baby’s risk for developing Type 1. Depending on the risk level, they may have the baby take part in certain preventative treatments. It’s very cool and makes me feel good to know that my child will be able to help scientists learn more about this disease.

In other news, I did my 24 hour urine test, and while it has hugely annoying, wasn’t too big of a deal. Everything seemed fine based on that. Next up is an appointment with my OB, and hopefully another ultrasound soon, it seems like it’s been a while since the last one, and I love those so much!

Fetal echo cardiogram and 22 week checkup

I recently had my first of two fetal echo cardiograms, and also my 22 week checkup (I think most people do this at 20 weeks, but mine just happened to be on 22). The fetal echo cardiogram was a one hour peek at Baby B’s heart via ultrasound to make sure the blood is pumping and everything is functioning correctly. The results are in, and everything looked great, at least as far as they could tell since Baby B again wasn’t very cooperative in being in the right position for a great look (noticing a pattern?). It was a very peaceful test as I got to sit in a dark room with soothing music while the cardiologist looked at the heart on her own monitor. They didn’t have a screen for me to see, so it was an hour of pure relaxation.

I couldn’t get over, however, that the cardiologist (who I assume is pretty smart and well trained), asked me if I take insulin after I told her I have type 1. In disbelief I said yes, and then she asked me if I had been taking insulin before I got pregnant. I couldn’t understand how this medical professional, a cardiologist, no less, didn’t get that as a type 1 diabetic, I need insulin. Those kinds of questions irk me to no end! But, other than that, she was nice and gave me a good report, so besides her obvious ignorance about diabetes, the test went well overall.

I also had my 22 week checkup. They baby’s heart was beating at 155 beats per minute and everything seems like it’s progressing as it should. My weight gain is now right on target since the last checkup, but my OB told me that I should now try to gain ½ a pound a week, which is making me nervous. I’m concerned that I’m going to gain a lot more than that, and I haven’t been doing much to stop that from happening now that I can eat again. So, I really need to start eating better to make sure my weight gain doesn’t accelerate too quickly.

In other news, I sadly need to do a 24 hour urine test, which is basically collecting urine over a 24 hour period of time to make sure the pregnancy isn’t putting too much stress on my kidneys. I was hoping to avoid this one, but no such luck. I am so NOT looking forward to that one, but luckily you can do it on a Sunday. So, I guess two Sundays from now when I do the test I’ll be stuck in the apartment! I am certainly not going out lugging my “collection vessel” around.

Overall, my blood sugar is still trending a little higher than I like, but nothing to be upset about. I’m still increasing my basals to keep up with the higher numbers. I’m feeling great, otherwise, and am enjoying the second trimester.

Also on my list for the next few weeks is registering for gifts. There is so much out there, I hardly know where to begin, so if any of your moms have suggestions, let me know!

D-Blog Day (a day late)

So I’m a day late, but I’m taking part of my first diabetes community post for D-blog Day. D-blog Day was started on November 9th 2005 during Diabetes Awareness Month, to help unite diabetes bloggers and create awareness about diabetes.

This year, the prompt is: what are 6 things you wish people knew about diabetes? So, here are my 6, although I think I ended up writing about what are 6 things I wish people knew about me and my diabetes rather than diabetes in general.  Oh well!:

1. Diabetes is not as easy as it looks. I am one to talk about my diabetes in my everyday life with friends and co-workers as it comes up (a low blood sugar here, a low pump reservoir there), but I am not one to complain about it, or to really discuss how much it takes out of me, both physically and emotionally. I don’t often stop to think about how demanding this disease is, and as a result, I don’t think the others in my life really do either. It’s not just the testing, or the bolusing, or the ordering of supplies, or the carb counting, or the side effects of low and high blood sugars that get to me. It’s the combination of all of it, and the fact that no matter what else is going on in my life, I can’t forget about my diabetes—ever. Diabetes is a constant nagging, and I have a “dia”-log that runs through my head all day, every day: Woke up low this morning, need to grab a juice box before getting in the shower. Need to test again before getting on the subway. Need to grab something for breakfast when I get to work so I don’t bottom out again. Need to test before eating breakfast. Need to count the carbs in my breakfast. Need to bolus for the carbs. Need to test again two hours later. And by then it’s only 9:30am! I sometimes think that because I take fairly good care of myself, people don’t think diabetes is that serious, or that hard to take care of. Even though I am able to be under good control, not a day goes by that I don’t wish for a cure that will take this harassing disease away from me.
2. Diabetes terrifies me. I suppose this is linked to #1, but one thing I really never share is how terrifying the long term effects of diabetes are to me. I myself rarely think of the long term effects, because honestly, I can’t bear to face them. I don’t want to imagine myself without eye site, or kidney function, or even without one of my limbs. Right now I feel like a healthy person, and except for my diabetes, I am pretty healthy, so having to face the fact that diabetes may eventually take a more pronounced toll on my body is scary.
3. There is a difference between Type 1 and Type 2 diabetes. I know this topic has been discussed ad-nauseam on various blogs and sites, but all the time I run into people who just don’t get the different between type 1 and type 2, and it’s irritating. Just the other day, I had a cardiologist ask me, after I told her I am a type 1, whether or not I was taking insulin before I got pregnant. Questions like this make my blood boil, and I wish people, especially those in the medical profession would learn more about the difference between T1 and T2. I often feel embarrassed when I tell people I have diabetes, because I know that more often than not, they think it’s may fault or that I could get rid of it if ate better/exercised more/lost weight. I wish I could tell people I had diabetes without the sense of shame that I sometimes feel.
4. Even though I look OK, I often don’t feel well. From day to day, I look like a healthy person. You wouldn’t know I have diabetes to look at me. But, I am often battling symptoms that no one knows I am dealing with. I will sometimes be high, and feel horrible, but I can’t go home from work or take a break every time I go above 200. Or, I might be low, but demands of the day don’t allow me to take a 15 minute time out like I might want to. Or, I might be exhausted because I was up all night fighting a high or low blood sugar. Most days, at one time or another, I am fighting the symptoms of some kind of blood sugar abnormality, but I don’t/can’t stop my life for it, and I usually don’t even tell those around me what I am dealing with because if I were to complain every time this happened, people would get sick of it real fast!
5. Yes I can eat that—or—yes, I could eat that, but I don’t want to. Telling people I have diabetes is sometimes interpreted as an invitation for people to tell me how to eat. I had a pharmacist once tell me that I CAN NOT have glucose tabs because I’m a diabetic and sugar is bad for me. I’ve also had many people give me a hard time for passing on some of the sweeter treats in life from time to time. People don’t get it. I know what I can/should/shouldn’t eat, and those things aren’t always the same from day to day. I may be OK with eating ice cream one day, but if I don’t feel like wasting the last few units of insulin in my pump another day on something sweet, just let it go, and don’t make me feel like a party pooper because I pass on something from time to time.
6. I don’t care to hear about your mother/grandmother/second cousin who died/had an amputation/is on dialysis from diabetes. Again, when people find out I have diabetes, it’s like they feel compelled to tell me to take care of myself because they know someone who died a horrible death or suffered major complications from diabetes. I am sorry for that person’s struggle, and for the suffering that comes with it, but I really don’t want to hear about that. I know the odds that I’m up against, and it is hard enough living with this disease without being reminded of the doomsday scenarios that are possible.

Officially over the hump!

I'm 21 weeks as of yesterday, which officially means I'm more than half way through this pregnancy.  In some ways, it feels like its been eons since I first saw the word "pregnant" pop up on my digital home pregnancy test, and in other ways, I feel like it just happened this morning.  Although I've been through a lot already during this pregnancy, I still feel that hasn't been as intensive as I thought it would be (yet!). 

Although changes have definitely been taking place in and on my body, I still sometimes don't feel pregnant.  It's hard to explain, but I still feel like me, and sometimes I do forget that I'm growing another human being inside of me. I have, however, become much more relaxed about life in general since getting pregnant, which is the complete opposite of what I thought would happen.  But, nothing in the world seems that important right now, other than my health and the health of my child.

This week I started to put on my very first few pregnancy pounds.  It's taken me a while to put on weight since I lost weight from being so sick the first trimester, but I'm afraid they're going to pile on quickly, so I need to be careful and focus on eating better now that my stomach is (mostly) cooperating again.  I must admit, it's a bit unnerving to look at the scale going up and to think that's a good thing when I've fought my weight for most of my teenage/adult life, but I know that's what is supposed to happen.

I'm still waiting for Baby B to give me a good swift kick, but I do think I am starting to feel the baby rummage around in there.  Sometimes my stomach gets hard, which I've been told are Braxton Hicks contractions, and it's incredible to think that my body is reacting to the other person I'm carrying.  We know that Baby B can hear us now, and I laugh hysterically every time my husband talks to the baby, because he's convinced he needs to scream in order to get through my stomach and into the baby's ears.

In terms of diabetes, my numbers have calmed down a bit since I raised my basals last week.  I'm still seeing some more highs than I like, but it's much better than it was.  I'm already getting nervous for my next A1C in December, but I'm doing the best I can.

On the pregnancy itinerary for this week is a fetal echo cardiogram where they'll get an up and close and personal view of Baby B's heart to make sure everything is in working order.  I'm just excited that it means we'll get to see the baby again!

And most importantly, today is my husband's birthday, so I'm very much looking forward to a great bday dinner with him - his last one as a non-parent!

On the rise

Well, I think my days of picture perfect log books are going out the window. My numbers have been creeping up slightly over the past two weeks or so, but the past two days I feel like I’ve seen more 200’s than I have in the past four months combined. This is very difficult to see, and although I get them down right away, they seem to go right back up. It feels like I’m playing that carnival game where the little mole pops up, then you hit it with the hammer, and another one pops up.

I sent my logs to my diabetes educator today and she’s out of the office, but I’ve raised my basals over the weekend until I can talk to her on Monday. I hate the highs more than anything. I’d much rather be low, which I know is also not good for me, but I feel like it’s better for the baby. Hopefully I can find a happy medium, because this dazed feeling I’ve had yesterday and today is not going to cut it. I hate being high for what it does to me, but it terrifies me to think what effect it’s having on the baby. I know it’s my overall control that matters most, and not the bad day here or there, but it’s just scary to think that what’s going on in my body influences the overall health of my child.

Ok, mini panic attack over. I’ve done what I can to correct it for now, and will keep working on it in the coming weeks. I really enjoyed the calm while it lasted!

It's a...

SURPRISE!!

Luckily, I was able to talk my husband into keeping the baby’s sex a surprise. I know this is hard for him, so I am extremely grateful that he’s going along with my wishes. I don’t know why I feel so strongly that I don’t want to know, but it’s just always something I imagined finding out in the delivery room, and so that’s where we’ll find out.

It is funny how many people feel very strongly that we should be finding out. How will we know what clothes to register for? How will we know what color to paint the nursery (thank you one-bedroom apartment for making that a non-issue)? How will other people be able to buy us the “right” gifts? How will we pick out a name (I’m pretty sure we’ll just pick two instead one). The list of questions goes on and on and yet for some reason, I just don’t want to know.

I completely understand the validity of all these points, and when I have friends or know others who find out the sex of their babies, I genuinely share in their excitement, but it’s just not something I want to get into yet. I want to hear the doctor say whether it’s a boy or girl after the agony of labor. I want my husband to be able to call people from the hospital and say, “It’s a ___!” I want to be able to send birth announcements that announce the gender. I also want to have a gender/due date pool – seriously :)

But mostly, I just want to fully take part in this great surprise with which I’ve been blessed. I know it would be a surprise no matter when we find out, but I want this baby to make its own announcement, rather than an ultrasound tech.

So, as the months wear on and my curiosity grows, I’ll need to come back and read this to remind myself what I want. At my last ultrasound they said I’d have to be careful to tell them at each ultrasound that I don’t want to know since I’ll have so many, especially towards the end. That’s a lot of temptation, but hopefully I’ll make it!

Sweet Child of Ours

With all relatively quiet on the diabetes front of my pregnancy, my mind is happily free to ponder other things. I’ve been so happy lately, finding that this pregnancy has in a strange way made me more relaxed and comfortable in my own body. My co-workers and my close friends think I’m much more calm now that I’m pregnant, and to be honest, I know I am happier and more content in my life.

One of the things that has me so happy lately is how many people are sharing in our joy and excitement about this baby. This is not just my child, and I realize that more and more everyday. I think it’s so sweet when my co-workers call Baby B the “marketing department baby,” and get as excited as I do when I come back from an ultrasound. I love how many of my friends refer to themselves as aunts, and how those in my ACT1 support group always ask how Baby B is doing and tell me that they’re thinking of and praying for us. My mom often tells me that neighbors from my home town ask her all the time how the pregnancy is going, and that teachers and coaches who taught me years ago also stop her to ask how Baby B and I are doing. And of course, the amount of love that my extended family has for this child is sometimes overwhelming.

I do very much believe in the, “it takes a village” approach to raising children, and I am overjoyed that Baby B will have so many villagers welcoming him or her into this world. I feel truly blessed to have so many caring and loving people in my life. Their joy and excitement have made this pregnancy such a fun one so far!

Baby Talk

With only one thing on my mind lately (BABY!), it’s hard to remember that there is life outside of this child. I’m finding it strange sometimes to interact with friends/family/coworkers, because I try to be very conscious of not overdoing it with baby talk, but I often find that others enjoy talking about the baby as much as I do. I’ll try to steer the conversation in a different direction—how is you finace/husband/job/cat—but, inevitably, there have been times when the conversation always seems to come back to the baby. This doesn’t always happen, but sometimes, and it feels like a trap I can’t get out of.

Sometimes when my husband and I come home from being with friends I’ll ask if I talked about the baby too much, and he’ll insist that I barely said anything about it, so who knows (not sure he’s the best judge of character on this one because he LOVES the baby!). But, babies are just plain fun to talk about. I feel very blessed that there are so many people in our life who are genuinely excited for us, and for the baby. It’s funny, because everyone seems to become much nicer when they find out you’re pregnant. I wish I could invent a way to bottle that excited/hopeful/happy feeling that people have when the topic of babies comes up—I think it would be good for the world!

New ACT1 Post... Passing Down Diabetes

I've got a new post up on the ACT1 blog - one that I'm sure each of us T1 moms or moms-to-be have thought about.  Stop by and check it out!

Week 16 Update

Well, I’m officially 16 weeks and Baby B is the size of a turnip according to my What to Expect When You’re Expecting iPhone App. I can’t believe how quickly time is going now compared with how slowly it dragged in the beginning of the pregnancy. September has gone by in a flash, and when I look ahead at the calendar, the next few months will be a whirlwind too. I love it when the calendar is full, because it is a sure sign that time will go quickly!

This past weekend I went shopping for maternity clothes with my mom, and it was so much fun trying on clothes with the fake baby bumps that the stores have. Now I know what I’ll look like at 7 months pregnant—I mean, the only change your body goes through is that one concentrated bump on your tummy, right?!? I also must say I already LOVE maternity jeans. Not only are they cute, but also extra comfy (again, I say that now at 4 moths, we’ll see if I’m singing a different tune at 8 months).

I can’t wait for our anatomy scan next week, it seems like it’s been a while since we’ve seen Baby B on the screen. The big question that everyone has been asking has been whether or not we’ll find out if it’s a boy or a girl, and the answer is………. we’re still not sure. I want to keep it a surprise, but my husband wants to find out. We have to decide before our appointment next week, so stay tuned for that.

On the diabetes front, my blood sugar has been really stable. I’m so glad things have calmed down with my blood sugars, because the lows were really difficult to deal with, especially with all of the sickness that I had in my first trimester. The worst of the “morning” sickness seems to be over, although I still get wave of it every few days. I’m preparing myself for the rise in blood sugars that will likely happen in the coming weeks, but for now, am enjoying the calm. The biggest pregnancy symptom that I’m battling now is the horror show that has become my face. The acne is horrible, but I’m now trying to combat it with Witch Hazel, so we’ll see how that goes (thanks to the ladies on the Bump iPhone app who have suggested it!).

I’m really looking forward to the next month because I’m hoping to be able to feel Baby B move soon. I’ve been feeling something going on in there, but not sure if it’s the baby or what, so I can’t wait until I can feel a good swift kick :)

New A1C

I went to my endo yesterday to check on the A1C and I was very happy to get a 5.6! My endo was pleased with that number, and is happy with how things are progressing overall. He warned me that my numbers are likely to start going up soon, as will my insulin needs, so he doesn’t want me to get freaked out by that. I asked how the high blood sugars that I’m likely to experience will affect Baby B and he explained that since I’ve already made it through the first trimester with a great A1C, Baby B doesn’t have any higher risk for birth defects than any other child born to a “normal” mother because the major organs are done forming (which, as an aside, is astounding to me!). He said the main concern about high blood sugars throughout the rest of the pregnancy is the size of the baby. If my numbers run high for long periods of time, the baby is likely to be large, which may lead to complications. He also said that even if my blood sugars are perfect, the baby could still be big, due to pure and simple genetics, so he said I just need to keep doing what I’m doing, and we’ll deal with anything that may come up later in the pregnancy as it happens.

During our meeting, I told my endo how Dex and I are not getting along, and he laughed and told me to just forget it. He said he can count on one hand the number of his patients who end up sticking with a CGM because most get frustrated with the fact that they just aren’t that accurate. I didn’t see any benefit to me or my numbers when using Dex, so I’ve decided to stop for now. I may still use it every now and again for a few days here and there, but to have it on everyday seems like a waste to me since I end up ignoring it half the time anyway because I’m so used to it being wrong. I also find that I test more often when I’m not wearing Dex, so I think for me, it’s better to just give it up for now. We’ll see if I change my mind again later…

Speaking of change, I have a new post up on the ACT1 site today—check it out if you have some time.

2nd Trimester!

I can’t believe we’ve made it to the second trimester. Looking back, it seems like it has gone fast, although I keenly remember feeling the days drag on in the beginning. I’ve still been battling “morning” sickness—I keep hoping any day now that will get better. Some days I feel fine and then other days, like today, it’s just a train wreck! I’ve lost about 7 pounds since the beginning of my pregnancy, so now hopefully I’ll start to even out and eventually start gaining as the pregnancy goes on (who would have thought I’d ever be concerned about losing weight!).

Since my scare a few weeks ago, my blood sugar has been behaving. I did get a CGM, as I wrote about before, but am completely unimpressed. I have an endo apt. on Wednesday and may ask about removing it because I haven’t seen any real benefits. It will be interesting to see what my A1C will be. My doctor thinks it will be even lower than 5.7 last time, which he constantly reminds me is not necessarily a good thing if it means I’m going low all the time. I think he doesn’t know what to do with me sometimes, he keeps saying he’s not used to having to harp on people to run a little higher. But, he’s been wonderful and I am so glad I found him in time for this pregnancy. He is on email, which is really convenient, and he will also call from time to time just to check in, even though I also work closely with a CDE in his office on a weekly basis.

Aside from all of the diabetes and pregnancy stuff, I have been able to enjoy the process more than I thought I would. I’m less crazed about my blood sugar than I thought I would be, although I’m sure my doctor wouldn’t necessarily say I’m easy going about it. I have had some highs and just get them down as quickly as I can. I don’t see the point in getting hysterical about it.

So far, besides the few scares that we’ve had and the nausea that I’ve experienced, I’ve loved being pregnant. It’s been such an exciting time, full of new experiences, ideas, questions, fears, feelings and priorities. I’m amazed at what is going on inside my body, and am in awe of what we as women are capable of in this process. Being pregnant makes me appreciate everything I’ve had even more that I did before. It makes me realize how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband, great friends, supportive family and the means by which we’ll be able to care for our son or daughter. I see things so differently now, that it almost seems like I’m living in a brand new world.

I can’t wait for so many things that will happen in the next few months, but I’m most excited for when I’ll be able to feel Baby B. kick for the first time. I’ve still get several weeks to go before that happens, so for now, all I can do is try to imagine what it will feel like. I am also way more excited than I should be for maternity clothes! I just think there are such cute clothes out there now and that the pants will be SO comfy. I’m still in my regular clothes for now, but we’ll see how long that lasts. Can’t wait to see what else this next trimester will bring!

Initial Dexcom Reactions

After my little incident a couple of weeks ago, my CDE and endo talked me into trying out a CGM. Since I have an Animas pump, I’m using the Dexcom. I’ve worn it for about three days now and I still can’t decide how I feel about it. I got it mostly to help me identify when I’m heading toward a low, but I find it most helpful in identifying when I’m going up since I personally hate being high when pregnant. My endo told me not to overreact when I see spikes after meals since he knows I’m an aggressive corrector, and so far I’ve been able to do that. I was even surprised that my postprandial spikes aren’t as bad as I thought they might be. So that has been one interesting tidbit I’ve learned from Dex.

On the other hand, Dex annoys me often. I understand and can even accept that it is sometimes up to 20% off (so if I’m 100, it could say I’m 120, or 80), but I have no patience for when it is 60, 70 or even 100 points off. What is the point of this technology if I can’t rely on the data being even remotely accurate? It seems like a lot of trouble for something that gives faulty information.

I do find the little trending arrows to be helpful, so it’s almost like I’ve already starting ignoring the actual number on the screen and just watching the arrows. I have been woken up about 5 times already by Dex, only twice for legitimate highs/lows, and the other three times were false alarms. While I was glad to be woken up the two times when it mattered, I was annoyed the other three times when I was woken up for no reason (and I was really annoyed when one of those times ended up being about 100 points off!).

So, while I’m certainly not an avid fan of Dex, I’m trying to wait it out a bit more to give it some more time. We’ll see if I can figure out ways to make use of it as best I can without getting constantly irritated by the fact that ultimately, the technology just isn’t there yet.

In more uplifting news, I'm almost out of my first trimester - only two more days to go. I can't believe it, and am SO excited to be moving on to this next phase!  More to come on that later.  In the meantime, hope everyone stateside has a great holiday weekend!

Baby B's world

We went this morning for our down syndrome screening test, which meant that we got to see Baby B. on the ultrasound again! Our little one was really funny and wouldn’t hold still for the tech to get the right pictures. Every time she went to take the image, the baby would wiggle around and go somewhere else. Then the baby must have worn itself out as after that (s)he remained in one place and wouldn’t move at all no matter what we did. By that time, the tech needed the baby to move, so all in all, Baby B. was pretty uncooperative, but I loved it because that meant we got to watch longer while the tech tried to get all the right shots.

All of the thoughts I had during the ultrasound were so interesting. At first I felt like a bad mom, like I couldn’t get my baby to listen to directions and get it to do what it was supposed to do. I know—crazy! Then, I just sat back and enjoyed the show, laughing every time the baby swam away from the position it was in. I wondered what this little glimpse into the baby’s world meant for his/her future. Is Baby B. going to be playful, rambunctious, comical, naughty (in a cute way, of course!)?

The feeling after I have an ultrasound is one of such pure joy and peace. It’s hard to concentrate at work and not just daydream about what is going on all day with the baby. It’s so interesting to see Baby B.’s world, I wish I could peak in more often. Just watching the way (s)he moves could keep me entertained all day!

A lime!

Every Monday I eagerly check my What to Expect When You’re Expecting iPhone app (highly recommend!), which tells you what size your growing baby is in comparison to a fruit or veggie. So far, the items of comparison have been pretty small—sweet pea, blueberry, grape, etc. But yesterday, it told me that Baby B. is as big as a lime! For some reason, this one made an impact. I can’t believe how quickly this child is growing already.

It’s so incredible to think about what is going on inside my body every second of each day, especially after seeing Baby B. during the second ultrasound.  Sometimes in the day to day grind, I forget the monumental changes that are going on inside.  I’ve been feeling really tired the past few days, and my husband thinks that must mean the baby is growing a lot on days when I am so tired. Maybe he’s right, after all, a lime is pretty big!

Lowest of the lows

Well, it finally happened. After 13 years with diabetes, and some very scary lows as of late, I finally went low enough that the paramedics had to be called. Thankfully, my wonderful husband did everything right and both Baby B. and I seem to be fine. But, this episode has really gotten to me more mentally than anything else. It started on Monday night after having dinner with some friends. I took a cab home and I think the combination of “morning” sickness and the jerky cab ride home made me throw up as soon as I got home. I still, unfortunately, had all the insulin that I took in my system, which all added up to a recipe for disaster.

The next thing I remember was waking up with an oxygen mask on and what I thought were aliens working on me. Of course, in a few more minutes, I realized that the aliens were paramedics and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I must have gone so low that my husband was forced to call 911. I remained in a bit of a daze for a few more minutes and was forced to be alone with the thoughts that I wasn’t yet able to verbalize. Of course I was terrified for the baby and wanted desperately to know if I had done any harm to my child. I was embarrassed that I let myself get to a point where neither I nor my husband could be in control of the situation. I wondered if my husband had called my parents, and hoped that he hadn’t because there was nothing they could do and I didn’t want to scare them until at least I knew what was happening. I was embarrassed that my apartment wasn’t as clean as I would have liked for outside company, even if it was aliens! I also wondered why the lampshade was knocked off of the lamp that was next to me (I found out later that the paramedics needed more light in order to get an IV into me).

After a few minutes, I was alert and with it enough to talk. Of course the first words that I remember saying were, "I'm pregnant." Several times I felt the need to tell the aliens that I was pregnant, just in case my husband had somehow forgotten to mention it to them, or in case they didn’t hear me the first few times. I wanted them to know that I really was a good mother-to-be even though I wondered if they thought otherwise since I had let myself get to this point.

Finally, even though it seemed far too soon, the aliens asked me to get up. Those first steps that I took were the most unsure steps that I ever remember taking. But with my husband’s support, I was able to get up and put one foot in front of the other. At this point I was beyond freezing. I’m not sure why, but I sometimes get cold after going low, and since I was extra low this time, I was also extra cold. I was trembling uncontrollably, and to make matters worse, my clothes were literally soaked through from sweat, which didn’t help. It was the unshakable freezing sensation that motivated me to get up and get changed into sweats. After I was changed, the aliens strongly recommended that I go to the hospital, which I did. I wanted desperately for someone with “Dr.” at the beginning of their name to tell me that everything was ok with the baby.

So off to the ER we went—ambulance and all. I made the paramedics take me down the freight elevator in our building because I was too embarrassed to go down the regular elevator. I remember wanting to put the sheet that was covering me over my head, but didn’t want to scare anyone who saw me into thinking that there was a corpse under the sheet (seriously, who has these thoughts?!). The aliens/paramedics, ER doctors and nurses were all fantastic. They all assured me that the baby would most likely be fine. My husband and I convinced the doctors to do an ultrasound, and they were able to find that magical heartbeat. After giving me some IV fluids, and a prescription for Zofran to help with my nausea, they let me go home about four hours after this whole mess started.

Luckily, I happened to have an appointment at my diabetes center the next morning with my diabetes educator. When I told her what happened, she got my endo to come in as well and the three of us had a pow-wow. They advised that I get a CGM, if for nothing else than the alarms that will go off when I’m headed low. They recommended that I start taking the Zofran so I will be able to keep food down and hopefully avoid a similar situation. They also lowered some of my basal rates after seeing the persistent lows that peppered my log sheets. I really felt like they weren’t just my medical team, but that they truly cared and never wanted me to never have to go through this again. My endo even called me this morning just to check in because he could tell that I was shaken by what happened.

I just feel run down by this whole thing. I feel like a burden. I feel helpless, even though there are a lot of tools that I now have in place to make sure this doesn’t happen again. I feel like I am losing the mental “what if” game that I know I shouldn’t be playing. I feel like I am unprepared to take care of another human being when I clearly can’t take care of myself. I feel overwhelmed by the guilt of putting my husband through this ordeal, which I know was much scarier for him than it was for me.

I think mostly, however, I just feel defeated, and that the severity of this disease has finally revealed itself after years of just being an inconvenience in my life. I know I’ll be able to move on and get over this, but right now, even though my blood sugars are fine, I am feeling pretty low.

Calm before the storm

I must say that so far, being pregnant has made my numbers ridiculously stable. I tend to coast through the day in the 80’s, 90’s and low 100’s without much effort. Although I wake up low every morning, and lowering my basal still hasn’t helped with that, that morning low has been the only misbehaved number most days. I know this extremely stable roll that I’m on is going to come to a screeching halt once I get through the first trimester, but for now, I’m really enjoying it! It’s almost like if you took away my pump, the carb counting and my 10-12 tests a day, I don’t have diabetes anymore. ;)

Even my endo can’t believe how well controlled my numbers are. I’m actually pretty sure he thinks I’m faking my log books, but for once, I don’t have to… not that I ever have.  Who would do such a thing?!?

Given all the “morning” sickness I’ve had to deal with, I feel very lucky that somehow that has not affected my numbers. I’m not sure why I’m not going low more often, but I’ll take what I can get! I have heard of the infamous 1st trimester lows, which I feel lucky to have avoided so far, but I’ve read that those don’t start for some people until week nine or so, so I could be eating my words next week. Time will tell, but right now I'm enjoying my ride on easy street.

We have a heartbeat!

I had my ultrasound this morning, and it went great! We immediately saw Baby B. and got to see and hear the heartbeat! The heart was beating at a very healthy 161 beats per minute. To see that tiny little heart beating inside of me is something that I will absolutely never forget.

They pushed my due date back a bit, so I am now officially 7 weeks and 4 days, with a due date of 3/13/11. I couldn’t be more thrilled with how it went today–I’ve never felt such an overwhelming surge of relief in my life.

Thanks so much to everyone who has us in your thoughts and prayers! It meant the world to me. Now, hoping for smooth sailing the rest of the pregnancy (a girl can dream, right!?).

Also, I have a new post up over on the ACT1 site today. Check it out if you have some time! Hopefully it will make you smile :)

Sick as a dog, happy as a clam

The past two days have brought on major "morning" sickness – I’ve only been able to keep about a third of my meals down, and I feel queasy all day and night. Last week, I was feeling nauseous as well, although not really getting sick to my stomach, so it seems that things are moving forward. If I weren’t so thrilled that I’m showing some signs of a healthy pregnancy, I’d be miserable!

The first time I got sick I went to tell my husband, and I couldn’t help but break out in a huge smile. It was a bizarre reaction, I know, but right now I’m clinging to any sign that Baby B. is ok in there. It’s been an excruciatingly long wait since my last ultrasound, but now I only have to get through one more full day before I hopefully get some good news on Thursday.

So, for now, I’ll keep getting excited every time I’m sick, which by the looks of it, means I’ll have a lot of excitement in the next couple of days! :)

ACT1 Blogging and My 13th Diaversary

I am very excited to announce that I'll be adding my voice to the ACT1 blog each Thursday.  My first post is up, and talks about this year being my first time recognizing my diaversary, despite that fact that I've had diabetes for 13 years.

ACT1 is a group of Type 1 diabetics who see a lack of service geared towards adults with Type 1 Diabetes. Through support group meetings, partnerships, volunteerism and advocacy ACT1 strives to attend to the most vulnerable populations within the community with the understanding that all diabetics are equally deserving of quality care.

I have been attending the ACT1 support group for young women for about six months now, and it has made a huge impact on how I feel about my life with diabetes.  I had never been close to any other type 1's before, especially not anywhere other than online, so I felt truly at home the first time I walked into one of these meetings.  It's a wonderful group of women that I feel lucky to have in my life!

Make sure to check out the other bloggers on the site - there's a great variety of bloggers who all share their different points of view on life with diabetes.

Thinking positive thoughts...

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who left such sweet notes of congratulations on my last post.  I  truly appreciate all of your kind works!

I've been avoiding writing since then because after our initial excitement, we got a little bit of scary, although not necessarily bad, news.  We went for the first ultrasound last week and all they saw was an empty gestational sac.  Since by my calculations I thought I was 6.5 weeks at the time, this was an upsetting image to see.  We thought by this time we might have had a shot at seeing the heartbeat.  The doctor explained that I could very likely just be earlier than I thought, which would explain why my HCG levels were also low when first tested, although there is a chance that the reason we only saw the gestation sac could be because the pregnancy may not be viable.  Luckily, my HCG number continues to rise, so that is a good sign!  But, the first time I explained what happened out loud to my dad, I couldn't help but cry.  It was hard to talk about it out loud to anyone, and that night when my husband got home from work, I melted into a puddle of helpless tears.

I will go back late next week for another ultrasound, so until then, all we can do it wait, and think positive thoughts.  My husband and I have such wonderful family and close friends who are all praying and thinking positively, so Baby B. has a lot of people pulling for him/her!

It's been an emotional roller coaster since the ultrasound.  At first, I was so teary and couldn't think about anything else.  We were so lucky to get pregnant so quickly, that I suppose a little waiting won't kill us--although I must say, I'm not sure I've ever felt such insatiable stress in my life.  I already love this baby so much, that it's devastating to imagine what it will mean if the pregnancy isn't viable. I hope and pray that I won't need to go down that path, and for now, I am just trying to take care of myself as best I can.

During this horrible wait, I must say that the online community has been such a valuable tool.  Sites like Diabetic Mommy, The Bump and Baby Center are all full of other women who are always willing to share their stories and advice.  I cling to every story I hear of women who have been through similar situations and turned out to have healthy pregnancies (I also value the non-success stories because they help me manage my expectations, even though they are difficult to read). It makes me feel very lucky to be going through this pregnancy at a time when there is so much information available almost instantaneously, and the women on these sites have helped me to have a much more positive outlook this week!

So fingers crossed, everyone, and I'll be sure to keep you updated!

Sweet Child of Mine

Sweet Child of Mine,

Even though your dad and I have been planning for you for what seems like a very long time, you still managed to surprise us with your quick arrival into our lives (I wonder what that says about your personality…)! Although you are still very delicate at 6 weeks and just beginning your journey, you are very much loved and are already such a huge part of our lives. I promise to do everything I can over the next eight months or so to take good care of you, and to give you the very best start in life that you could have. I know there will be times that will be tough, but I need you to be strong, and for us to work together until I can hold you in my arms.

You should know that I love you with every ounce of my body and that I am so excited to see who you are going to become. You should know that every time I mention you, your dad’s face lights up and he can’t help but grin from ear to ear. You should know that those who are closest to us can’t wait to meet you, and that you are already the apple of your grandparents’ eyes. And you should know that while your dad and I are sometimes scared and not sure that we’ll always know the best way to care for you, we’ll do everything in our power to make sure you are always safe and loved—the rest, we’ll figure out as we go!

So take your time, little one, and I hope you’re safe and comfy in there! While I know this is a fragile time for you, I have faith that you’ll be here before we know it. As I said, be strong, because we already love you so much and can’t wait to meet you!  I wish I could somehow communicate with you, but for now, my letters to you will have to do.

With all my love,
Mommy

New A1C results are in!

My endo apt. got moved up a week so I went this morning to have my A1C tested, and it came back at 5.7! I was so excited I could hardly stand it. A year ago I never even knew under 6 was possible. While the number is great, my endo said he’d rather have it hover closer to 6 if that means going low less often, so we’ll see how I do with that in the next few months, but for now, I’m ecstatic. It’s nice to know that all of the testing I’ve been doing hasn’t been in vain. It’s hard to explain why there is so much emotion that comes with this one test result, but I’ve felt my fair share of guilt after “bad” readings, so I’m not holding back the excitement for a “good” result!

I also absolutely love going to the Naomi Diabetes Center—it is such a welcome change from other practices I’ve been to before. Everything is clean, fairly high tech (on-site A1C testing rates high with me), and the staff and docs are all wonderful, understanding, and seem to truly care about the patients. My endo even asked how work is going and how my husband is doing, which caught me a bit off guard—my first thought was, why do you care? Then I realized he was just taking an interest in me as a person with diabetes, and not just as a diabetic. What a refreshing change!

Ping!

In a somewhat rash decision, I decided last week that I really wanted to upgrade my Animas 2020 pump to Ping and I'm very excited because it arrived yesterday! I've only been using it since last night, but I LOVE the remote/tester. I tend to wear my pump under wraps, either on my leg or under a Spanx-like undergarment so I can wear dresses, so the remote feature is HUGE for me. Now I don't have to wrestle my pump out from hiding in restaurants, during meetings, etc. I'll try to give a better review once I have a little more time with it, but my initial reaction is definitely positive.  Plus, the name Ping is just so much fun :)

Italy pictures!

Before I run out of work for the long holiday weekend, I thought I'd finally post a couple of pics from our trip to Italy!

Here we are at Trevi Fountain, one of my favorite places that we visited.  It's very romantic and people go there to throw pennies in the fountain as that is supposed to ensure a trip back to Rome (I also threw in another wish for good measure - bet you can't guess what I wished for!).  While we there a couple got engaged and the whole crowd erupted in cheers.  It was a really great experience!

And, here we are in front of the Vatican.  Such tourists!

If you want to see even more pictures from our trip, check them out here.

Hope everyone has a great 4th of July (for those in the states)!

Just a headache?

I had a really bad headache the other night, and I couldn’t figure out why. I kept testing my BS, convinced that I was either high or low since I had this unexplained pain in my head. Finally, after a few normal tests, I arrived at a simple explanation—it was just a headache. As a PWD (person with diabetes), I find myself constantly patrolling my own body for any sign of something being amiss with my blood sugar, and sometimes I forget that other forces besides diabetes can also impact how I’m feeling. It’s hard to turn that line thinking off, and I’ve started wondering about how this mindset will impact a pregnancy.

I’ve spent so much time thinking about and preparing for how my diabetes is going to impact my pregnancy, that I have forgotten to take the time to really consider how the pregnancy will impact me (yes, I am separate from my diabetes, although sometimes its hard to remember that). I didn’t think, for example, that I may be sick to my stomach, regardless of what my blood sugar is. I may get hot/uncomfortable at night without being high or low. I may be utterly exhausted, even if my numbers are and have been within a perfectly healthy range. I may have food cravings that are completely independent of a low blood sugar.

In some strange way, it’s exhilarating to think that my body will be communicating with me in a whole new way that is not necessarily driven by the fact that I have this thing called diabetes. I’m excited that I’ll have the opportunity to listen to my body and evaluate what is going on without my very first thought automatically turning to the numbers on my meter (although, who am I kidding, that will still often be at least in the top 2). It will be like finally, something in my body will be stronger than the diabetes, and while pregnancy won’t always produce the most welcome symptoms, it will be nice to know that diabetes doesn’t have absolute control all the time.

Here we go!

We’re back from Italy, and I will post some pics soon, but I’m getting extremely excited because now that I’ve been off BC for a few months (and have the skin to prove it), taking prenatals, and now that my husband has finally started work after just graduating from business school, we are ready to officially start TTC! I have another endo appointment on July 16th to get my A1C tested again, but with the tight control I’ve had over the last nine months or so, I’m confident that my body is up for the challenge. I’ve also cheated by taking one of the at home A1C tests, and it was right on target (those at home tests are such a wonderful diabetes innovation!).

I know it sounds extremely bratty, but with all the work that I’ve already done for this pregnancy, I feel like I deserve to get pregnant quickly (all I can hear is Veruca from Willy Wonka… I want the golden goose, and I want it now). I feel like I’ve earned it, and I honestly don’t know how well I’ll handle it if it takes a long time. On top of the emotional strain it would cause, I am also scared that I’m going get burnt out from the extremely tight control I’ve had over my numbers if I have to keep it up for a long time before I even get pregnant. Even though I’m not pregnant yet, it feels like I’ve already been living with this pregnancy for a long time.

I know its common even for “normal/healthy” couples to take up to a year to get pregnant, but I’m just praying that it won’t take that long. This is such an exciting time for us, and I can’t wait for this “pre-pregnancy phase” to be over with!

Hello from Rome!

I just wanted to say a quick hello from Rome! We just did a quick bus tour which gave us a good overview of the city. We are excited to do the Vatican tomorrow, it was really impressive even from the bus.

Venice was great, we really liked it there as a city on water is like nothing we've seen before. I loved all the flower boxes in the windows and got a real kick out of the pubic transportation system being on water.

I enjoyed Florence too, although my favorite part of our stay there was our day trip in the Tuscan countryside to a couple of wineries and lunch at an olive oil farm. The countryside was absolutely stunning!

My husband is doing a greet job navigating the cities and we feel like we're seeing a lot! So far, all on the diabetes front has been pretty good-I have been low a fair amount, but I'm pretty sure that is due to all the waking we've been doing.

Ok, well, we're off to do some night walking in Rome. It's supposed to be a great time to see the city. Ciao!

Away we go!

Ok, we leave in a few hours for our trip so I don't have much time to write, but I thought I'd post this pic of all my supplies.  Feels like I'm traveling with an entire pharmacy, but I do feel confident that I'll have everything I need. I even took the advice to get a loaner pump, so I should be all set.

I'm going to try to upload some photos during our trip, so stay tuned for scenes from Venice, Florence, Rome and Positano!  Cioa!

Italy, here we come!

I'm getting very exited to leave next week for a two week trip to Italy!!! Neither my husband or I have been, and since we haven't really been away just the two of us since our honeymoon, we can't wait to get away for such a long time together. Plus, neither of us have been to Italy, so we've got a lot to do and see. We're starting in Venice, then Florence, Rome and finally, Positano.

I casually mentioned to my CDE that I'm going away so won't be able to send in my logs to her for a little while, and she asked me if I needed any tips on traveling in terms of my diabetes care which I really hadn't thought about. Whoops! She offered to write me a letter saying I need to travel with my insulin and pump, and is going to give me some tips on adjusting my basals over the time change. I know some people get spare pumps to bring with them when traveling internationally, but I haven't done that--I'll have shots with me if I need them.

I do have plenty of extra insulin, needles, test strips, glucose tabs and pump supplies so I think I'm all set as far as that goes (no wonder I'm such a bad packer!). I'm kind of excited to go to a pharmacy, or Farmacia, in Italy just to see what it's like there (lame, I know, but such is the mind of a diabetic). I wonder if they have all the same diabetes goodies that we have here.

So, if anyone has any more travel tips, I'd love to hear them! I don't leave for another week, so I've still got a little time to get anything else I need, but not much...

Ciao!

missing my bc

Until a couple of months ago, I had been on birth control (bc) for a long time and enjoyed years with mostly clear skin.  Now that I've gone off bc, however, my face is breaking out like crazy.  I thought taking prenatal vitamins would make up for going off bc in terms of the skin department, but no such luck.  So, I guess in addition to all the work I've been doing on my diabetes, I can add horrible skin to the list of things I'm willing to deal with for Baby B.  I have a feeling that list is going to get much longer over the next year(s), and yet, I still can't wait!

progress??

As I've written here on my blog, I've been working really hard on getting my blood sugar under really tight control to get my body ready to carry a little one for nine months!  While I've made a lot of progress with my blood sugar, my weight has gotten totally out of control (or at least it feels that way to me).  I've gained about 10 lbs. as I've gotten under tighter control, and on a 5'3" frame, it makes a big difference in how I feel about myself.

I'm not helpless in this situation, and there is a lot I could do to fight my weight that I am not currently doing, but it still feels like such a constant struggle.  I'm trying to be healthier by getting my BS under control, but by achieving this goal, it's made managing my weight seem impossible.  It's also making me feel horribly unhealthy.  While I'm not eating that much, I'm not necessarily eating the best food, and I know I need to change that if I am going to get a handle on this weight issue.  

I also need to exercise more consistently.  If you've been following my blog, you know I've struggled with finding an exercise program that works for me.  While I haven't been as committed as I would like to my walking, I've been doing OK, and am going to try to step it up even more.

I still so badly want to put myself in the best position possible to have a healthy pregnancy, and I think that even if I don't get it 100% right, it's still important to keep trying.  Because soon (hopefully), it won't be just me that I'm taking care of, but it will be Baby B. too!  

As I'm about half way through the three month waiting period to see if I can get a second A1C at or under 6.0, I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed that I haven't made as much progress as I would have wanted in this time.  But, there's still time to make healthier changes, and every small change is a step in the right direction.

work/diabetes balance

You often hear women talking about work/life balance, but part of my struggle with my diabetes is balancing my work life along with tight blood sugar control. Yesterday and today were important days at work because I had a big client event that I was running. In years past, event days are a nightmare for several reasons, but to make matters worse, high blood sugar usually accompanies “event days” for me. There are several reasons for this, not the least of which is stress, which can sometimes drive my numbers into the 300’s. I also tend to not test as much during my events because I am so busy catering to the every need/desire of our clients, that I quite simply don’t ever think to stop and test. Along with that, I also tend to forget to bolus for the food I eat because I don’t want to yank my pump out in front of clients and I don’t have time to get up and go to the restroom to do it (I don’t have a remote for my pump yet, but I’d love one!).

But, this event was different. Rather than coasting through our client dinner last night and roundtable discussion today in the 200-300’s, I managed to stay under 180 over the course of both days. This is a MAJOR victory for me, and I rarely say this, or even think it, but I am proud of myself for actively improving my control over what is typically a blood sugar free for all.

The first change I made is something I’ve been working on for the past month or so, and that was that I was less stressed than normal. I wasn’t as stressed because I think I’m actually doing a good job of managing my stress better now than I have in the past. I focused on this initially because of the effect that stress has on my blood sugar, but I also now realize that there is just no need for some of the stress I used to feel because I always work hard to make sure I’m prepared.

The second change I made was eating absolutely no carbs the past two days. I don’t typically eat much at events since I’m “on” the whole time, but this time I really made an effort to not eat carbs since I don’t like to have to pull my pump out to bolus. This seemed to work perfectly.

I wish I could say that I also tested more often than normal, but that was just not the case. I did test before and after each part of the event, but just couldn’t find the time to do it in the middle. Something to work on next time!

It was interesting, because the event that I was working was a women’s event and so naturally, they touched on work/life balance issues. It’s funny that during that discussion my mind jumped to how I’ve been working so hard at trying to balance my life with diabetes. I think lately I’ve been pretty good at balancing both, and am pleased that I am seeing results for my hard work!

I can't imagine someday throwing Baby B. into this whole mix, but I'm sure when the time comes, I'll figure that out too...

Date with a dietitian

Since I’m lucky to be happily married and don’t have to deal with first dates or blind dates, I am stuck with butterflies in my stomach for a whole other kind of date—one with a dietitian. A date with a dietitian is filed with many of the hopes of a first date and a new relationship—that they’ll like you, that they won’t try to change you, that you’ll be happier with this new person in your life, that you’ll become a better person, that they don’t think you’re fat (OK, maybe that one’s just me), etc. And, just like after many first dates, a new relationship with a dietitian in my experience tends to crash and burn within 3 visits. I’ve tried to date all different kinds of dieticians—skinny ones, fat ones, serious ones, funny ones—and I just never click with them. Even the reason for “breaking up” is the same—it’s not you, Ms. Dietician, it’s me. I’m not ready to commit. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

So, off to a new dietician I go this week. I’m trying to go with an open mind, but I’m feeling jaded by the experience of dating so many different dieticians. I know I’d be better off listening to them, but I’m set in my ways, and not sure I can really change. I’ll report back, but wish me luck. At least I’m not worried about what to wear!

47 + 24 = paranoid delusions/humor

Last night, my husband and I were watching 24. During the show I went low, and fast. I tested and was 47. All was going fine up until I started getting confused by my low blood sugar, and somehow I thought that I was mixed up in 24, and that the [not] very important proposal that I had been working on at work that day was somehow going to get Jack in trouble with the President of the United States and CTU. Dead serious. Convinced I was going to impact the plot of 24 with my incredibly routine work product. It took about 10 minutes of extremely patient explaining by my wonderful husband, and carb loading on my end to bring my sugar up before I realized that alas, Jack could care less about me or my proposal.

I have only had paranoid delusions one other time due to blood sugar issues (oh, to be at senior week again, drinking grain alcohol daiquiris from the Frosty Frog), but both times I was absolutely certain that I was somehow involved in a massive government conspiracy. The one at senior week involved aliens and me thinking that if I got off the top bunk something terrible would happen. My poor yet understanding friends couldn't get me down for like 15 minutes!

Not sure if anyone else has experienced these, but I think the delusions are God’s way of making diabetes funny—I mean come on, both scenarios were hysterical looking back at them. I appreciate the humor in those situations, even though ultimately they could have ended badly, but what else can you do but laugh?

24 will never be the same. Jack better watch out—you never know what kind of stealth marketing materials I’ll be working on next week!

(Wow, I just linked to the Frosty Frog and in checking out their website forgot that they sold the daiquiris in oh so convenient "gallons to go" quantities--yikes, no wonder, maybe I wasn't the only one seeing aliens that day!)

all work, no play

Last week I had the opportunity to hear Cheryl Alkon speak about her new book, Balancing Pregnancy with Pre-existing Diabetes. The event was organized by ACT1, a great organization here in NYC that supports adults with type 1. In so many ways, it was a wonderful, eye opening and reassuring event for me to attend. Not only did Cheryl share her story, but there were many other type 1 mommies in the room who were kind enough to share their experiences as well. I’ve never personally known a woman with type 1 who has been through pregnancy, so to hear all of them talk about their experiences was really empowering—after all, these were real live women who had lived thought it and been blessed with healthy children.

While I left the event feeling more convinced than ever that I am prepared and can handle this journey, I had asked a question, well, several questions, but one of the answers really stuck with me. I’ve done a lot of research on what my diabetic pregnancy will be like, and I’m aware of all the work that will go into it, but what I wanted to know was whether any of these women were able to remove themselves from all of the checking, the tests, the doctors appointments, and the meal planning long enough to ever just enjoy being pregnant. To enjoy thinking about the life that they were creating, and the adventure they were about to begin. So often you read about pregnancy being a magical time for women, and I wanted to know if diabetic mothers were ever able to take time to just enjoy the ride.

Cheryl thought for a moment after I asked my question, and basically said, a short and simple “not really.” The other women in the group agreed and shared that it was all just way too much work to really be able to enjoy it (although they all unanimously agreed that it was well worth it in the end!). Many of the women shared that during their pregnancies, they tested 12 times a day (which if you think about it is every two hours—more like every hour if you cut out some time for sleep). They talked about going to the myriad doctors appointments that were necessary and subjecting themselves to the many tests that are performed throughout the pregnancy to make sure mom and baby are both progressing as planned (my jaw dropped when they talked about the 24 hour urine test and schlepping a bucket of urine on the subway—I’ll be in a cab that day, thank you very much). One woman I spoke to after the event even said that if she could have, she would have quit her job during the pregnancy because it is like having two full time jobs.

I wasn’t necessarily surprised to hear all the stories about the difficulties and challenges of the pregnancy, but I was a bit surprised that there was such a unanimous response to my question. I hope that even if it’s only for a few minutes here and there, I can enjoy my pregnancy (so to my friends/family who are reading this, you may have to remind me to do so!).  I know I’m in for a lot of work, and I certainly know that it will all pay off, but I hope too that I can step back from all of it long enough, even if for only an hour in between tests, to enjoy the miracle that will be growing inside of me.

By the way, I haven’t read Cheryl’s book yet, but can’t wait to get through it. I’ve heard great things and some of the excerpts that she read last week were great!

Exercise - Plan B

So Plan A didn't work.  I think the problem is, is that I hate the gym.  No, I detest the gym.  Just the thought of going makes me want to run mosey in the other direction.  This time before TTC is all about trying to get as healthy as possible, and like it or not, that includes exercise so I need a new plan.

In coming up with a plan I need to answer a few questions honestly: 1) What will I actually do as a part of a consistent routine? 2) When can I realistically make time for 60 minutes of activity? 3) What can I keep up in the long term, not just over the next few months?

One of the things I really love is walking.  I love walking in NYC because there is so much to see (the stories you can make up in your head about the people going about their day in NYC is better than any TV show or gossip magazine).  Last year when I was successful at weight loss, I was walking home from work (2.5 miles) at least 3 nights a week.  But this year I have to work later, so when I leave work, I just want to get home to relax, spend time with my husband and try to not eat too late.  I also don't go directly home from work every night, so any time I have plans after work, the walk goes out the window.

So, I am going to revise Plan A, which involved going to the gym before work and instead, I'm going to walk to work in the morning.  It only adds 30 minutes to my commute, and I can easily fit that in the morning, with no unexpected or last minute plans that get in the way.  If I can do that 4 or 5 mornings a week, I think that would go a long way to help with my weight loss, and hopefully eventually weight management.

Let's see if this one works... I'd love to hear what other mommies are doing too, especially once the kiddies have arrived!

Blackjack and blood sugar

On my recent trip to Vegas, I realized that in addition to going broke, another hazard of playing blackjack is poor blood sugar control. I know a lot of people don’t understand how difficult is to try to control blood sugar, and they think that as long as I don’t eat candy and if I keep taking my insulin, I should be fine. But, it’s the nuances of maintaining good blood sugar control that irk me the most, because even when you’re checking a ton and counting carbs and taking insulin, there’s no guarantee that your numbers will be good.

So the first day in Vegas, we did my favorite thing—we went to the pool, and relaxed. We had lunch and some drinks, which I bolused for, and I kept checking through the day. I was happy because my numbers were pretty good. Then we went to dinner at SW (highly recommend!), and again I kept checking and bolused for dinner. It was smooth sailing and I was proud of myself for staying under such tight control, even in Vegas!

Then, we hit my new favorite place—the blackjack table. I was learning the ropes and then started to really get into it. I started to get pretty thirsty and kept ordering drinks from the cocktail waitress (come on, they’re free!) and I finally realized I should probably check my BS. Well, check I did, and I found out I was 308! 308!? I couldn’t figure out what had caused it, until I realized it must have been the adrenaline from gambling. There was no way for me to guess that that would happen, and no way to plan for it, which annoys me to no end. But, if having fun means erratic numbers every once in a while, I’ll take the hit! :)

Happy Anniversary!

Three years ago today, I made the best decision of my life—I married my husband! He’s been a wonderful husband in every way possible, and I am so lucky to have him in my life everyday. It’s been fun too, starting to think of him as a dad, and not just a husband. I know he’s going to be such a great dad to Baby B.—he already reminds me every morning to take my “baby pills” (his term of endearment for my prenatal vitamins)!

Our first three years have been so fun, full of exciting new things, and of course some hard times too, but I wouldn’t give any of it up for anything in the world.

I can only imagine what the next three years will bring, hopefully a healthy and happy family!

www.annie&babywillbefine-guaranteed.com

These past several weeks, I've been seeking out every source I can possibly find on Type 1 Diabetes and pregnancy, trying to soak up as much information as I can. But I'm realizing that I what I’m looking for is not necessarily all the details of the pregnancy process; what I’m looking for is an iron-clad, binding document that says, Annie's pregnancy is going be fine and the baby will be 100% healthy-guaranteed.

While I'm beyond thrilled each time I read about a healthy baby being delivered to a type 1 mom with relatively few complications, in all honesty, I just keep hoping that something I read will tell me that a healthy pregnancy is not just possible, but that it is guaranteed. I know that's ridiculous, and that even without diabetes, there are plenty of things that can go wrong. I just want some kind of a sign that everything is going to be OK. I know that sign isn't out there, because there is no guarantee, and even if I do everything right, there is still a chance that something could go wrong.

So for now, I’m going to take my great A1C and my hard work as the signs pointing me toward a healthy pregnancy, and will keep doing everything I can on my end to set myself and my baby up for the best possible outcome.

Vegas, baby!

I got back last night from a fabulous trip to Vegas with some of my best friends, and it was such a great trip! We had a blast, and I was so glad to spend a memorable weekend with such good friends. Going into the weekend, I knew it that it would likely be my last girls weekend sans baby, and I wondered if it would make me think twice about our decision to start TTC soon.

But even in Vegas, I wanted so badly to be a mom. I still had a great time, and really cherished the time with my friends—I even had fun at a club and stayed out until 5am which I not like me—but I could feel at the very core of my being that I was ready to say goodbye to being free of responsibility. Free to take off to Vegas on a whim. Free to do exactly what I want, exactly how and when I want to do it.

Even though I know that weekends like this past one will be few and far between once I become pregnant, I still couldn’t be more excited to have a baby with my husband. I was so thankful for this trip, not only because I got to getaway with my friends on an unforgettable trip, but also because it confirmed everything that I was feeling about becoming a mom.

Now, Vegas, baby has a whole new meaning!

new endo, new attitude...

What a difference a day makes!  I went to the new endo today and loved the center and the doctor--I especially loved that according to their machine, my A1C was 6.0!!  They were very impressed with all my tracking, even though the numbers in my logs aren't always perfect, and said that if I keep it up, I can definitely have a healthy pregnancy soon!

They said I can go off of birth control, and that as long as my A1C is in the same range in three months, we can start TTC!  I still have some work to do on my numbers, especially my morning numbers, but it was nice to hear a doctor for once tell me that I am doing things right.

So, off to the pharmacy I go tonight to get my prenatal vitamin Rx filled!! As down as I was yesterday, I am walking in the clouds today.

New endo tomorrow...

Tomorrow I'm going to a new endo, at a diabetes center that is supposed to be wonderful.  Even though the high risk OB already gave us the green light to start TTC in a few months, I still feel like it's not for real until I hear it from this new doc.  Endo appointments fill me with fear and always have.  Even though my A1C is pretty damn good if I do say so myself (it was 6.3 yesterday!), I still don't feel like I am under good control.  As a diabetic, you can do 50 things a day that are "right" but still end up with bad numbers, and I'm stuck in this pattern of having great numbers for 90% of the day, but terrible numbers the other 10%.

For instance, I've been going really high overnight lately (even though the basal test I did says my basals are actually making me go lower--go figure!), so last night I gave myself a ridiculously large bolus for what I ate.  I then went low, scary low.  I fell asleep and woke up and felt so disoriented that I couldn't figure out who I was, where I was, or what was going on.  I was scared.  I finally realized what was going on, and that I needed to get something to eat asap.  So I did, but the rest of the night I had a horrendous headache, I think from being so low for who knows how long since I had fallen asleep.  I treated the low with a conservative amount of soda because I didn't want to end up high later on.  Unfortunately, it just made me hover around the 60's range and prolonged my headache.  So I finally gave in and drank another soda, and I eventually came up into a normal range, but still had a horrendous headache (I even asked my husband if he thought it was possible that I had brain damage from my low because my head hurt so much--in retrospect, that was a pretty absurd question!).  So I went to bed, thinking tomorrow would be better.  Until of course, I woke up at 6am with a reading of 365.  HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?  I was tired, feeling run down, and mostly just felt defeated.  

Maybe it's because of my night last night that I'm feeling so negative about going to the doctor tomorrow, but I just can't help but feel that I'm going to leave his office tomorrow upset about what he says.  It's too bad, because I've been working really hard on my numbers that past few months, but all I can think about are all the highs I still have, and how they could someday bring harm to my child.  I hope tomorrow gives me some encouragement, and that I can get a good night's sleep tonight!

next goal... exercise

I still haven't had much luck with basal testing. I am often eating late which makes it hard to do the test. I tried to eat early (for me) tonight, and will see what I get tonight. My blood sugar control has been pretty good the past few weeks, although I still have some unexplained highs late in the late afternoon/early morning. I am going to a new endo on Friday (more on that later), and would really like to have all my basal tests done before then so he can look at them, so I will try this week.

Anyway, with my BS under pretty good control, my new focus is on exercise. I really want to lose weight before we start TTC, and even though I haven't been eating that much, it seems that as I get tighter and tighter control of my BS, it's impossible to lose any weight. I know that exercise in the answer, so this week, I'm hoping to incorporate an exercise routine.

Just as I've now make testing 8x/day part of my daily routine, I need to find ways to make it easier to exercise, or rather, more difficult to make excuses to not exercise. I've found that small changes have made it easier for me to test more often (such as leaving my tester on top of my desk rather than in my purse and under my desk), so I need to set myself for success with exercise too.

So, here's the new plan:

• Go to sleep by 11pm (NOT get in bed at 11pm)
• Wake up at 6:45am
• Work out from 7-7:45am
• Get on with the day!

My husband also wants to start working out more, so we're going to try to do it together. He's going to be my new trainer (now I just have to listed to what he says)!

basal testing - no go

Two nights now I've tried to do my overnight basal testing, and couldn't do it on either one because of highs or lows.  Last night was horrible--went from the 200's+, then got sick to my stomach (not sure why, but it's been happening a lot at night), then down to 44, then up to 300+.  What a restful night was!  Felt horrible all day today too.

Then tonight, I keep going low!

This is why I hate basal testing... by the time I actually get to the test, I'm exhausted, and that's before I have to wake up all night to test!

Will try again tomorrow...

week two - a struggle, but onto basal rate testing...

This past week for me in terms of managing my blood sugar and weight has been tough.  While during the day my blood sugar is pretty manageable (although I am going low a lot as I try to keep my numbers around 90), I'm really struggling with it overnight.  I'll test three times in the hour before bed and be fine, even seemingly dropping, and then by 4am, I'm in the 300's.  I've tried eating earlier, eating differently, adjusting my basal rates, even testing at 1am and 2am (at which time I'm still fine), and nothing is helping!  The only thing that seems to help is giving myself a HUGE bolus that is spread out overnight (with a combo bolus on my pump).  It is scary to give myself such a large bolus at midnight when I am only in the 120's, but for right now, that's the only thing that is working.

While struggling with my blood sugar is nothing new, the importance of each reading is heightened as I think about them in terms of how they might effect my body, and my ability to have a healthy pregnancy.  I wake up in the morning not only frustrated and feeling terrible when I see a reading of 300, but also upset and terrified at how readings like this will impact a pregnancy.  I know I need to fix the problem before I become pregnant, and I will, I just wonder if it's this hard before I'm pregnant, then how will I ever do it when I have to factor in the complications of pregnancy?

And, I've also been struggling with my eating.  The low carb thing has not been working that well for the past few weeks.  I don't seem to be losing weight (possibly because I'm going low more often during the day and having to drink soda/eat pretzels), and I seem to be having to take A LOT of insulin considering I'm not eating many carbs.  When I went to see the high risk OBGYN, she referred me to a diabetes center and I have an appointment with an endo there and a CDE in about 6 weeks, but for now, I'm trying to fix all these problems on my own, and I'm jut frustrated.  I feel like after a tough week with my blood sugar, and another week that I don't lose weight, just pushes back the possibility of getting pregnant even further, and I hate feeling like I can't move forward in the process!

So tonight I'm going to try to test my overnight basal right and see what happens.  Even though I HATE basal rate testing, I think it's the only thing that's going to help me get things figured out... will report back tomorrow on how that goes!

Prepping my body for pregnancy - week one a success!

As we're getting more serious about having a baby, I need to start getting more serious about my health.  While my A1C is close to being at a healthy level (last one was 6.6), I'd like to get under or closer to 6 in the next few months before we start trying to conceive (TTC).  And, even though the doctor told me I don't need to lose weight before getting pregnant from a medical standpoint, I would still like to lose about 15 pounds (she encouraged me to do this if I want since starting at a lower weight would make me comfortable throughout the pregnancy).

So, this past week,  I've been working on both my blood sugar and my weight, with good results.  My blood sugar has been in the 80's, 90's and low 100's for most of the week, which to me, is impressive.  I still have some highs when I wake up in the mornings, but I've been playing with my basal rates and delayed boluses, which seems to be helping.

Battling my blood sugar is a very similar experience to me as battling my weight.  I find that both my blood sugar and weight are under control when I'm eating healthy and walking a lot, and that both get completely unmanageable when I'm eating badly and not moving much.  In both cases, too, my emotions are almost entirely dependent on numbers.  I tend to let the numbers, whether on the scale or on my meter, define how I feel about myself.  It's amazing how much better I feel about myself when my blood sugar and weight are under better control.  It's like Good Annie is beating Bad Annie, and it gives me a huge feeling of accomplishment.

So, it's no surprise that this week when I've had great blood sugar numbers, it's because I've been watching what I'm eating, and I've tried to walk home from work (2.5 miles) a few nights since it was so nice out this week.  I've been doing the low-carb thing, because whether you like the approach or not, there's no denying that it makes blood sugar control so much easier. 

I don't know if it's been easier for me this week because I have a great motivation, or what, but hopefully I can keep it up for the next few months and into my pregnancy!

Spreadsheets, money, and decisions...

My husband is an excel junkie.  If there's something to track in columns and rows, he does.  He has spreadsheets that track his workouts, his weight (he's trying to slim down before we conceive too!), and also, our finances (if only I would let him track my blood sugar!).  Now that we're seriously thinking about having a child, we wanted to make sure we could afford it while still living in NYC, and so he checked his trusty spreadsheet...

And, it turns out, we are in fairly good shape to afford everything that we'll need to have a baby!

But, this brought up an interesting issue for me... staying at home vs. going back to work after having our baby.  When figuring out our finances, we realized that it really won't make much of difference financially whether I go back to work or not since almost my whole paycheck would go to paying for childcare (NYC nannies are expensive!).  So, the choice is really completely up to me.  I know this is a divisive debate, but I can't decide which side I'm on.

On the one side, I love working. While I am often stressed by my job, I thrive on the adrenaline.  I enjoy going to work (most days!), problem solving, navigating the political minefields that exist in the corporate world, and working collaboratively with my colleagues.  And, because I'm not exactly domestically gifted, the thought of failing at home when I could be succeeding at work terrifies me.

But, when I think about putting my 3 month old in day care, or leaving the baby with a nanny every day, it just seems so hard.  I can't help but wonder if it would somehow harm the baby developmentally, and would leave me someday regretting my decision.  I know I would feel inferior somehow for not working, but maybe I just can't fathom at this point in my life how rewarding being a full-time mom would be (although even as I type this and try to imagine it, I just can't get there).

Luckily I have some time to think about it, but at this point, I have no idea what I'll decide!

The first step...

Today, my husband and I went to a high risk OBGYN to find out if I am healthy enough to have a baby.  I am a Type 1 Diabetic, and know that tight control of my blood sugar is crucial to a healthy pregnancy.  For 12 years, I've lived with this disease, and have gone through phases with it, like anything else in life.  When I was first diagnosed, mostly out of fear, I was very tightly controlled.  I thought that if I ever went over 200, I literally might drop dead.  Apparently, I wasn't listening all that closely during my 5 days of training in the hospital since I'm pretty sure that not one doctor ever told me a reading of 200+ would result in instant death.  As I started to catch onto the fact that I would survive going into the 200's--at least in the short term, which let's face it, is all a 17 year old cares about--my control began to slip.

Through college, my first real job, getting married, and settling into everyday life, I've always been relatively careful about my control, but certainly not where most doctors would want me to be.  Even though I tested at least a few times a day and wore a pump, My A1C has wavered from the 6's when I was first diagnosed, into the 7's, up to its highest at 8.5, back down to the 7's, and most recently down to 6.6!

With the baby bug growing inside me, and my working hard to get my blood sugar under tighter control, my husband and I decided to see where we stood in terms of my health and how it would impact a pregnancy.  We are both excited, and anxious to have a baby, but had questions about my health, and how it would affect our future child.

I was terrified that the doctor would tell me that my 6.6 A1C was still way too high, and that I weighed way too much to have a baby.  To my complete surprise, the doctor was not concerned about my weight (I asked her twice just to be sure!), although encouraged my desire to drop a little weight before getting pregnant if that's what I want.  She also said I was pretty darn close with my A1C.  She recommends being under 6.0 before pregnancy, but said she considers under 6.5 to be safe.  I couldn't believe it.  She handed me a prescription for prenatal vitamins, told us to wait a few more months to get my A1C down as much as I can and to go off birth control, and out we walked.  I could hardly believe that I didn't get yelled out, or lectured, or upset for any reason.

Once I got over that, I REALLY couldn't believe that this woman, board certified and all, had just told me and my husband that in a few months, we could start trying for a baby!  She wasn't just telling me what I wanted to hear, but what was true, and I was shocked.  I had been telling myself for so long that I was too far out of control and too overweight, that I never objectively looked at the situation.  And so, together, my husband and I walked out of that office, and into the next stage of our life.

I'm writing this blog, not only to document our journey for ourselves, but for other Type 1 women who are going through a pregnancy, and want to follow a real life story, from just thinking about it, hopefully through a healthy birth.  I've done some research online, and mostly what I find are horror stories from medical organizations warning diabetics against birth defect, still births and major complications.  I've found a few real life stories from Type 1 women who have healthy babies, and would like to offer up my own story as well, from the very beginning.  So, join me on this journey if you want.  I'll share the ups and downs (both blood sugar, and emotional), and whatever else comes to me in between!